


Fire, Fire

by Homeo (Wherefore_art_thou_Homeo)



Series: Top of the World + Extras [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (child abuse is not 'on-screen' but is undeniably there), Bodily Harm, Child Abuse, Found Family, Gen, homophobic parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-09-14 20:44:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9202484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wherefore_art_thou_Homeo/pseuds/Homeo
Summary: [**NOTE**: Only read this if you have already read the first work in this series, Top of the World. Reading this first would spoil some of the bigger reveals of the first work. Also, this is a totally skippable segment of the TotW series. If the things mentioned in the tags make you uncomfortable, you can 100% skip this story without missing out on anything important to later segments.]Noya hadn’t realized his shoulders were tense, but they relaxed once he could no longer hear his mother’s footsteps. He kicked his feet gently a few times and uncovered his head. He smiled at the wall. He still had a crumpled-up ten-dollar bill and several ones, along with a small handful of change. He could make that work for a while. It would be fine.It would all be fine.(Prequel to Top of the World, depicting the most eventful pieces of Noya's early life. not really a fun time but hey)





	1. Heatstroke

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there I promised I would write this a lottt sooner than this, but here it finally begins. Note that I don't have it all written yet, so it will be a while before there's more up, but I do know what's going to happen from beginning to end, so it should be... not too terribly long. Hopefully. I HAVE LIKE THREE LONG FICS GOING RIGHT NOW I APPARENTLY HATE MYSELF

Ryu sprinted out of his classroom right as the final bell rang. He ignored teachers yelling after him, telling him to stop running in the halls, and dodged past the other students who got in his way. His backpack slapped against him in a way that made it hard to run. Honestly, the idea of just dumping it on the floor and coming to get it later crossed his mind – but Saeko would kill him if he lost his backpack on the first day of school. And in any case, he was almost there…

He could hardly wait.

He almost skidded around the corner into the school gym. The doors were propped open and he jumped through them into the large, airy room.

His sneakers squeaked on the polished wood floor. Nobody else had arrived yet – not even the coach – so he amused himself by sprinting up and down the gym floor as fast as he could, sticking his arms out to the sides like an airplane. His heart felt light and electric with excitement.

He was about to have his first-ever volleyball practice with an _actual team._

Ryu had played many, many games with the kids in his neighborhood – but never a _real_ one. They’d always been quite a few kids short of two full teams to play; only once had they even gotten to four-on-four. Once they’d gotten to four-on- _five_ , but that fifth person had to sit out because otherwise it wouldn’t be fair.

But Ryu was done with those days now. Now, he was on a _real_ team. One with jerseys and numbers and actual positions, one that played on a polished gym floor instead of outside on concrete. He could _dive_ for the ball now, instead of just letting it go.

And on top of all that, later on there would be _tournaments._

Ryu could hardly contain himself.

He leapt into the air with a loud whoop and brought his feet down as hard as he could, sending a loud SLAM echoing off the walls. He laughed out loud again and clapped his hands.

“Hey!” someone called from the doorway.

Ryu turned around to face the newcomer. He saw a really skinny kid standing there, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts and beat-up sneakers. His knees and shins were covered in scabs and band-aids. He had mostly-dark hair, but a piece of it in the front seemed to be bleached blond.

Ryu noticed something else about him, too, with a start.

…he couldn’t be _that_ short, could he?

“Hey!” he called back, waving. “You here for volleyball too?”

The boy in the door nodded and started towards him. Ryu realized as he drew closer that his eyes _hadn’t_ been playing tricks on him, and this new boy really was just that short. The top of his head was roughly level with Ryu’s shoulder – and Ryu wasn’t particularly tall himself. If he didn’t know better, he would have assumed this boy was from the elementary school, next door.

The boy reached him and looked up at him, still smiling.

“I’m Yuu,” he said. “Yuu Nishinoya. Call me Noya.”

“Ryu,” Ryu replied. “Tanaka. You can just call me Ryu.”

“Awesome,” Noya nodded. “Is the coach here yet?”

“I don’t think so. I was the first one here. No one’s come in but you.”

“They should hurry. I wanna start already.”

“How long have you been playing?” Ryu asked.

Noya shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t really remember starting. I played a lot at recess when I was little.”

“I play with my neighbors a lot. I think some of them are gonna be on our team too. This is my first real team.”

“Mine too. I already know my position, though.” Noya puffed his tiny chest out a little bit and smiled proudly.

“Yeah?” Ryu asked. “What?”

“I’m a libero,” Noya declared.

“Is it ’cause you’re short?” Ryu asked.

“Hey!” Noya snapped. “I am not!”

Ryu looked him up and down. “Okay.”

Noya crossed his arms and scowled. “It’s not _just_ because I’m short,” he said defensively. “I’m really good at receives. And I like to dive. I’m good at it. Look at my elbows!”

He held them up so Ryu could observe the scabs on them. Ryu marveled aloud - “Woah! You must work really hard!” - and then started talking about the one time he’d fallen on the street while playing and just _really_ shredded his left arm. Noya one-upped him with the story of how he’d crashed into another player and he’d needed stitches in his lip for where their teeth had cut him.

They were still swapping injury stories when the coach walked in, along with a few more boys. They walked over to join Ryu and Noya, and also started discussing their numerous volleyball mishaps. They kept it up until the coach called them over to line up. Ryu ended up next to Noya, so they continued talking until the coach told them to shut up so she could count them off.

“Okay,” she said, “Looks like all twelve of you are here. Let’s go down the line and say our names, shall we?”

When she got to Ryu, he shouted his name. Noya shouted his even louder.

The coach wheeled out a cart of volleyballs and told each of them to take one so they could practice hitting it. Ryu looked around for Noya and found him already looking back at him. They shared an exasperated look – _this again?_ And then proceeded to show off to the rest of the group by hitting their volleyballs harder than anyone else, first try. They argued over which of them had hit it farther, but nobody else had been paying attention, and so the true outcome was never found out.

This, of course, turned every following exercise into a contest.

Which of them could set higher? Ryu. Which of them could receive a ball better? Noya. Who could throw one farther? Ryu again. Who could make a louder sound by spiking the ball on the ground? The jury was out on that one as well. The coach’s opinion was that they should stop making so much noise and maybe focus on what they were _supposed_ to be doing. The two of them exchanged another exasperated look at this.

The next exercise of the day was the best for competition – a run (a race, as Noya described it) around the outside of the gym.

The coach lined everybody up outside, making sure everyone had enough space to move. Ryu and Noya lined up next to each other, glancing at each other out of the corners of their eyes to make sure neither of them got a head start.

“On your mark…”

Ryu and Noya bent down, tensing their legs for takeoff.

“Get set…”

Ryu clenched his fists.

“Go!”

The two boys were off the second the whistle sounded. They immediately leapt to the front of the crowd, putting the rest of their teammates out of sight and out of mind. This race was between the two of them and nobody else.

For such a tiny kid, Noya was _fast._ It was all Ryu could do to keep up with him, and edging ahead took about as much effort as he could muster. And Noya didn’t even seem to be tired. Ryu could hear his breathing, and it wasn’t nearly as labored as his own.

They rounded the corner of the gym, ignoring their coach’s shouts to pace themselves. Ryu shot a glance to the side, _sure_ that Noya had to be getting tired.

But he wasn’t. In fact, he looked more energetic than ever. His eyes were wide and alight with excitement, and a huge grin was stretched across his face. He held his hands flat and swung them so far that he almost hit himself in the face with every step.

Ryu didn’t think he’d ever seen someone who loved running this much.

By the time they rounded the second corner, Ryu was breathing hard. He could feel the beginnings of a stitch in his side. He kept up with Noya, though – even if he did lose, and it was looking like he would, he couldn’t just give up and make it obvious.

Suddenly, as they were approaching the gym’s back door, Noya put on another spurt of speed and pulled a few feet ahead. He turned his head to look back at Ryu, and laughed out loud at his dumbfounded expression.

“Catch me if you can!” he called out, his voice completely steady, unaffected by the running.

Ryu scowled at him. He laughed again and turned back around.

Just as Noya was about to run through the doors back into the gym, Ryu sped up too.

The door wasn’t really big enough to fit both of them through at once – but Ryu didn’t notice this until he’d already crashed into Noya’s back.

Both of them let out a yelp as they lost their balance and fell through into the room, landing hard on one of the mats. Ryu landed almost entirely on top of Noya, and for a moment he thought he must have crushed him to death.

“S-sorry,” he muttered, hurriedly rolling off of him. “Are you okay?”

Noya pushed himself up on his elbows and turned to look at him.

To Ryu’s surprise, that big grin was back in place.

“I won!” he chirped, and began to laugh.

Ryu blinked at him, surprised, and then started laughing himself. The two of them flopped back down onto the mat, and lay there until the rest of the team arrived, laughing so hard they could barely breathe.

“You’re all right, Ryu,” Noya said, once they’d calmed down a little. “You’re all right.”

\- - -

“Hey, Ryu,” Noya said, once practice was over and they were all getting ready to leave. “Are you getting a ride home today?”

Ryu slung his backpack over his shoulder and yawned widely.

“Nah,” he replied. “I gotta walk home today. My sister’s at work and can’t come get me.”

“Me too,” Noya said. “Where do you live? Wanna walk home together?”

“Sure!” Ryu answered. “I live a few blocks, uh, that way.” he pointed to the left.

“Cool, me too.” Noya picked up his own backpack and led the way to the gym door. “Let’s go!”

Ryu could hardly believe this kid was still going. He couldn’t be an inch over four feet tall, and he looked like he weighed maybe seventy pounds, but somehow he seemed full of energy even after an hour-long practice. Ryu’s endurance was pretty good if he said so himself, but Noya seemed to be on an entirely other level. He was almost bouncing with each step he took. When he got to the threshold of the gym doors, he suddenly bent his knees and jumped a solid six feet forward into the parking lot.

He turned around and grinned at Ryu, waiting for him to catch up.

“How are you not tired yet?” Ryu demanded. “I want to just lie down on the floor and sleep.”

“I’m naturally springy,” Noya said firmly. “That’s what coach said.”

They started off down the road, discussing their first day of school. Noya talked about how one of his teachers had mistaken him for the younger brother of one of his homeroom classmates, and told him that the elementary school was next door.

“I should start wearing tall shoes,” Noya grumbled as Ryu laughed. “Maybe then people would stop doing that.”

“Maybe you should spike all your hair straight up,” Ryu suggested, mostly joking. “It might make you look taller.”

“What, like this?” Noya ran his fingers through his hair and pulled it up on end. It mostly just ended up making his head look bigger, but maybe it would work.

“Yeah, like that. Do you bleach that part of your hair?” Ryu pointed at his own forehead, having no hair to indicate with himself.

“What – this?” Noya wound it around his finger and rolled his eyes up to stare at it. “I’ve been answering questions about that all day. Nope, this is how my hair always is. I was born with it.”

“Really?” Ryu asked, an obvious note of disbelief in his voice. “You sure?”

“Whaddaya mean, am I sure? Of course I’m sure,” Noya huffed. “Besides, who would just bleach one piece of hair and leave the rest a different color like that? That’s dumb.

“What about you? Did you just not ever grow hair?”

“Hey! I just shaved it off. I look weird with long hair.”

“Now that you mention it, I think it would look really weird.”

“…I don’t know how to take that.”

They went on like that, eventually moving from the subject of hair to their respective school days again. Noya complained that he’d gotten one of the worst teachers in the whole school - “Apparently he gives ten pages of homework every night, even weekends!” - and that he was always bored in class and wanted to just run around outside all the time.

“I _hate_ sitting around and doing math. I _suck_ at math. I hate reading too. And science. And history.”

“I guess you just hate school.”

“I guess so. School sucks.”

“Except for volleyball.”

“Yeah. I don’t know if it’s worth it just for volleyball, though. I can play volleyball whenever I want. If I didn’t have school to go to I’d be playing it all the time. School just gets in the way.”

“I don’t like just sitting around either,” Ryu agreed. “It sucks.”

Before too long, they’d reached his house. Ryu paused in front of the gate and they spent a few more minutes talking.

When they’d been standing there talking for about ten minutes, a voice suddenly interrupted them.

“Hey! Ryu!”

Ryu turned around just in time for his sister to throw an arm around his shoulders and hug him tight.

“Ow,” he protested, wiggling away from her. “Saeko, what are you doing?”

“Saying hello to my precious little brother whom I have not seen in _hours_ ,” she replied, grinning. “I’ve _suffered_ without you. It’s been _so hard._ ”

He scowled at her. She laughed him off and turned to look at Noya.

“Who’s this?” she asked.

Noya was smiling mischievously. Ryu could already tell he wouldn’t be hearing the end of this one anytime soon.

“This is Noya,” Ryu said. “He’s on my volleyball team. Noya, this is my sister. Saeko.”

“Nice to meet you, Noya,” Saeko said brightly. “How do you like dealing with Ryu here? He a good teammate?”

“He’s pretty good, yeah,” Noya replied.

“It’s getting pretty late,” Saeko said. “Do you want to come in for some food, or do you need to get home?”

“Thanks,” Noya said, “But I really should go home.”

“Okay,” Saeko said. “Maybe some other time, then.”

“Yeah,” Noya nodded. “Thanks.”

The two boys said goodbye and Ryu followed Saeko into their house. He noticed on the way in that their grandmother’s car wasn’t in the driveway. She was usually home by now, but it wasn’t too weird. Besides, it just meant that he and Saeko would get to eat TV dinners instead of casserole this evening, and he was always ready for that. Casserole was one of Ryu’s least favorite foods, right up there with oatmeal and salad – two more of his grandmother’s specialties.

Ryu stopped in the front room to take his shoes off and Saeko closed the door behind them. Just as he was straightening back up, Saeko hugged his shoulders from behind again and almost knocked him over.

“Oww,” he complained again. “Why do you keep doing that?”  
“I’m just happy to have you back,” she said, letting go of him and moving further into the house. “How was your first day of middle school? Big day, huh?”

Ryu shrugged. “It was all right,” he said. “Nothing really big happened. A kid dumped milk all over another kid during lunch and almost started a fight but that’s it.”

“I meant how are your classes?” she said. “But hey. Milk fight isn’t exactly boring. Sounds like my kind of day.”

“It wasn’t that good,” Ryu explained. “They just started throwing food at each other and then a teacher came over and made them stop right before it could go anywhere.”

“Ugh,” Saeko groaned. “Lame. But yeah – how do classes look?”

“My math teacher seems boring,” he said. “My English teacher said we’re gonna read like a million books this year, my history teacher said everything I’d been taught so far was pretty much a lie…”

“Yeesh,” Saeko said. “Sounds like a good time.”

“Yeah, it _so_ does,” Ryu said, mirroring her sarcasm. He walked into the kitchen and took a seat at one of the barstools, resting his head in his hands, watching Saeko move around the room, making them some food.

“Volleyball practice was good, though, right?” she asked. “That’s the part of all this I’m paying for, so I’d hope you’re having a good time.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Ryu nodded. “Volleyball’s great. We ran around a lot. The coach said I spiked really well too! She said I had a really good arm.”

“Of course you do,” Saeko said. “You’ve been throwing shit around since you could walk. Actually you started doing that before you could walk. You would just sit there and throw shoes around and yell about it. It was wild. You were a wild baby.

“But anyway. You made friends with that Noya boy, huh?”

“I guess so,” Ryu said, spinning his barstool in a circle. “He seems cool. We did a lot of stuff together at practice today.”

“You can definitely bring him over any time, okay? I’ll stick up for you if Grandma tries to be a jerk about it.”

“Thanks,” Ryu said.

“So,” Saeko said brightly, turning around to face him, giving him an exaggerated grin. “Chicken nuggets or fish sticks for dinner?”

Ryu wrinkled his nose. “Chicken,” he said. “When have I ever wanted to eat fish sticks?”

“Well, we have a lot of those piling up in the fridge, and _someone’s_ gotta eat them.”

“Make Grandma do it,” he grumbled. “She’s the one who keeps buying them.”

“She’s convinced that we’re not getting enough ‘variety’ in our diets,” Saeko said, supplying sarcastic quotation marks with her fingers. “So. You know. Instead of actual food. We get two different types of TV dinner. One of these days I’m gonna have time to learn how to cook and then we’ll have actual food.”

“If we survive that long,” Ryu put in.

“Is the school lunch okay?”

“It’s all right. They have pizza!”

“Ugh, but it’s that weird soggy freezer pizza, isn’t it? You’ll get tired of that in two weeks, I guarantee it. Make sure you try other things out, too. Eat some fruit or something.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ryu said, knowing just how likely that was.

Saeko sighed and turned around with a plate of cheese crackers. She set them down in front of Ryu and walked around to sit in the barstool beside him.

“I’m gonna need to go shopping this weekend,” she said. “We’re running out of edible shit.”

Ryu picked up a cracker and nibbled at it unenthusiastically. He was hungry, but cheese crackers weren’t exactly appetizing – especially since they were the only thing the two of them had had to snack on for several weeks.

“Where even is Grandma?” Ryu asked.

“Who knows,” Saeko grumbled. She flicked a crumb off her shirt. “Not here. Of course. I’ve barely even seen her since yesterday.”

Ryu ducked his head and stuffed an entire cracker in his mouth, hoping she would drop the subject. The silence went on for a little while – and then Saeko sighed again and took a sip of water.

“Anyway,” she went on, sounding much calmer now. “I’m glad you had a good day at school.”

Ryu raised his head again. “Yep,” he said. “How was yours?”

“ _Oh_ , it was all right,” Saeko shrugged. “I guess, anyway. I ended up with this one teacher that everyone hates and I tried to switch out of his class but the counselors wouldn’t let me.”

“That sucks,” Ryu said.

“It does. And then this guy I dated for like five minutes last year tried to ask me to homecoming already or some shit and I had to deal with _that…_ ”

“He sounds really damn annoying.”

“Ryu. Language.”

“ _You_ just said –”

“You’re ten. You can’t say stuff like that yet.”

Ryu scowled but didn’t put up a fight. Saeko grinned at him and laughed, reaching over to rub his head.

“You’re a good kid, Ryu,” she said. “Thanks.”

“Shut up,” Ryu mumbled, irritated. “Why you gotta do that all the time… you did it in front of Noya, too! What gives?”

Saeko stuck her tongue out. “I like embarrassing you,” she said. “It’s fun.”

“Cut it out, will ya?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Saekoooo…”

She reached over and rubbed his head again.

“I’m your big sister,” she said. “I’m supposed to bug you. It’s my job.”

She poked his forehead. “Also, if you’re done eating, you should go clean your room a little bit. Unless you have homework. And then you should do that instead.”

“Aww, c’mon...”

“None of that,” she said. “Go on. I’ll get some dinner ready.”

With another groan, Ryu stood up from his seat and shuffled across the room to the hallway, and then to his room. He poked his head into Saeko’s room as he passed by, and was triumphant to find that it was an even bigger mess than his own.

“You should clean yours up too!” Ryu called over his shoulder, and then darted into his room and shut the door before Saeko could yell at him to get out.

Ryu leapt over a pile of discarded clothes and landed hard on his mattress. He rolled over onto his face and let out a sigh.

\- - -

Once Ryu had gone inside the house with his sister, Noya watched their door for a few moments and then turned back the way he’d come.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled, keeping his head bowed. He kicked at little rocks as he walked, and bounced a bit with each step.

It was a ways to his house. He’d have to go all the way past the school again. He wasn’t in any hurry.

He stopped to wait at a crosswalk. He fiddled with a hole in his shirt and scuffed his shoes on the concrete – but stopped himself. This was the only pair of shoes he had, and he had to make them last. He had to be careful not to ruin them.

The walk light turned on and Noya hurried across the road, leaping the last few feet onto the curb. He turned left and kept walking.

The sun was really beginning to set by the time he got to his street. Nobody was around – just like usual, but tonight it felt somehow even less safe to be out late.

A dog barked from somebody’s backyard. He considered howling back at it, but he knew that would only make his neighbors mad, and he didn’t feel like dealing with that today.

He made his way up the steps to his house and turned the knob – or he tried to. It was locked.

He twisted his mouth. He shouldn’t be surprised, but he was.

He dropped his bag on the porch and then hopped off it. He’d hidden a spare key underneath a rock below the porch just in case this happened. He hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. Maybe they’d just forgotten he had school today. He _had_ been home every day the whole summer. Maybe it would just take some getting used to for them…

Noya found his key and walked back up the steps. He paused before he put the key in the lock, and smiled.

Home again.

He unlocked the door and pushed it open. It stuck a little a few inches in. He lifted up on the knob and threw all his weight behind it. With a loud, angry screech, the hinges moved and the door opened the rest of the way. He reached behind him for his backpack and slung it over his shoulder before walking into the house.

It smelled bad in there. The sharp scent of a bad day Noya knew so well filled the air. He held his breath and tried his best to keep that smile on his face, as hard as it was.

“I’m home,” he called out into the darkness of the house.

Nobody said anything back. He wasn’t surprised. He closed the door behind him and moved further into the house.

He walked past the living room and saw his father sitting on the couch, with his back to the doorway. The TV was on, and loud. The smell was even stronger here. It made Noya’s hair stand on end.

He could have stomped his feet as hard as he could while he went by and it wouldn’t have made a difference, but Noya almost tiptoed instead. He didn’t want to chance anything. Not when that smell was this strong…

His mother didn’t seem to be home yet. That suited him just fine. It didn’t make a difference either. He might have to cook for himself again tonight… or sneak out in the middle of the night and go grab some fast food. He probably didn’t have that much money left by now… he thought he might still have some hidden under his mattress, but he couldn’t remember if he’d exhausted that supply already.

It was school time now, so at least he’d have school lunches. He didn’t know what he’d do for weekends, but he’d figure it out. His birthday wasn’t too far off, and he usually got a bit of money in the mail then. He could make his remaining supply last until then. Hopefully.

He walked down to the end of the hall and his bedroom, stepping carefully over the warped floorboards he knew would creak if he moved wrong. His bedroom door stuck too, but less than the front. He lifted it carefully and pushed it open, and closed it behind him.

His room smelled damp. This entire house was damp, so much so that it seemed to sag in the middle, but for some reason Noya’s room seemed to smell especially strongly of mildew. At least he couldn’t smell the alcohol anymore from here…

He turned on his light – it flickered a few times – and sat down on his bed. It was generous, calling it a bed. It was really just a mattress on the floor. It smelled bad too. He hadn’t moved it in a while and at this point he was afraid to do so.

He pulled his backpack off his shoulder and set it down at his feet. He didn’t have any homework tonight, but he did have a bunch of papers he’d need his parents to sign. Maybe he could get away with just leaving them on the kitchen counter. They might ignore them, but he wasn’t about to ask them to do anything. Maybe if he cleaned the kitchen for them, they might be more accepting of the idea.

He pulled the papers out of his bag and looked them over quickly. They were the first and supposedly easiest points he would get in his classes, and it was looking like they would just be the first and easiest points he would just have to go without. He closed his eyes and rested his head on his knees, sighing deeply.

Grades didn’t really matter yet. It was only middle school. He didn’t really have to do anything at all in school just yet. He shouldn’t worry about it.

What he should worry about was his parents finding out about volleyball. He’d saved up whatever money he could get his hands on for months to be able to pay for it. If they found out, he wouldn’t be able to go anymore, he was sure of it. It shouldn’t be too hard to avoid, though. It wasn’t like they ever asked him about school or anything. They didn’t even notice he’d gotten home two hours later than he was supposed to. They may not have even known he left that morning.

He flopped back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He picked at one of his many elbow scabs.

Volleyball had been really fun. He’d expected it to be a bit of a drag, because of how they’d have to spend time doing drills instead of just running around and playing like he liked to do, but it really hadn’t been so bad. That Ryu guy seemed pretty cool… Maybe Noya would be able to hang out with him more later on. He hoped so. Ryu was the only guy he’d met at school today who could keep up with how fast Noya liked to do things. He didn’t get along with just too many people, but Ryu might just be one of those few.

He smiled to himself again – a real smile this time. He rolled over onto his stomach and propped his chin up on his hands.

He remembered what Ryu’s sister had said right before he’d left them.

“Maybe next time.”

Maybe it didn’t mean anything – maybe she was just being nice – but maybe there really would be a next time. Maybe Noya had already found a place he could go. Maybe someday he could invite Ryu to one of the volleyball games the kids on the next street over liked to have. But he was skipping ahead – he should wait until he was really sure they were friends before he started thinking about stuff like that.

It was early and Noya wasn’t tired yet – but he wished he could fall asleep right now. The sooner he got to sleep, the sooner he could wake up, and the sooner he could go back to school and do it all again.

He heard the front door open with a _clunk_ and heard the muffled sounds of his parents’ usual evening ‘talks’. He put a pillow over his head and hummed a little so he wouldn’t hear them. He’d forgotten to relock the door again, hadn’t he?

He heard footsteps approaching his door, but about halfway down the hall they turned right and he heard his parents’ door shut.

Noya hadn’t realized his shoulders were tense, but they relaxed once he could no longer hear his mother’s footsteps. He kicked his feet gently a few times and uncovered his head. He smiled at the wall.

Sneaking out for dinner it would have to be. He wiggled his way to the other side of his bed and lifted up the corner of it to see how much he had left.

He still had a crumpled-up ten-dollar bill and several ones, along with a small handful of change. He could make that work for a while. It would be fine.

He let the mattress flop back down and rolled onto his back again.

It would all be fine.


	2. Wasting My Young Years

_Four years later_

 

For all that the two of them complained about how long and boring their classes were, middle school passed quickly for Noya and Ryu. Neither of them got particularly good grades, but they never got grades bad enough to endanger their respective spots on the volleyball team, so as far as they were concerned, they were doing just fine.

Ryu could hardly sit still during the last few days of his last year of middle school. Classes had pretty much descended into anarchy by that point anyway, despite the teachers’ best attempts to keep teaching their students. Ryu’s mind was already on the volleyball court, his legs itching to run and jump, hands ready to spike the ball as hard as he could.

He and Noya were going to race again, one last time as middle schoolers, and Ryu was going to win this time. He’d won a few in the past, but he was currently on a very embarrassing losing streak. That was going to change in high school, he vowed to himself. He was going to work as hard as he could to get in the best possible shape, and he was going to outrun Noya as many times as he could. Noya had the advantage of being smaller and lighter, but if Ryu could make up the difference in strength…

The bell rang and Ryu jumped out of his seat so suddenly that he almost knocked his desk over. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and dashed out into the hall. He scanned the already-thick crowd for Noya.

After a few seconds of searching, he caught sight of Noya’s hair, sticking straight up at about shoulder level to the surrounding students. Ryu grinned. He cupped his hands around his mouth.

“Noya!” he bellowed, turning many heads that weren’t Noya’s but somehow failing to grab the attention of the man himself.

Instead of calling out again, Ryu made his way over to where Noya stood. Noya had headphones in, with the volume turned up so high that Ryu could hear his music from several feet away, through crowd noise.

“Noyaaaaa,” he called again, right behind him. When he still didn’t get a reply, he reached out and tapped Noya’s shoulder.

Startled, Noya whipped his head around. His expression relaxed when he saw who it was. He popped out one earbud and smiled at Ryu.

“It’s summer!” he said.

“Yeah!” Ryu grinned. “Ready to do nothing but play video games for three months?”

Noya took his other headphone out and tucked them both away. “Yep,” he replied. “Definitely.”

He seemed a bit tired. Ryu noticed.

“Race you to practice?” he asked, putting in a bit extra energy.

Noya strapped his backpack as tight to his body as it would go, and gave Ryu a smile.

Ryu smiled back.

“Ready,” he said.

“Set,” Noya went on, beginning to bounce on his toes.

“GO!” they bellowed together, taking off at the speed of light. The exasperated voices of teachers followed them, but they were no longer bound by middle school laws. They sprinted through the halls to the gym as fast as they could, leaping between their classmates as they raced by.

Practice wasn’t technically scheduled for today, but a bunch of the team had decided to meet up for one last game, and the coach would be there too.

Ryu and Noya, of course, got there first. They crossed the threshold almost simultaneously – too close to call – and then leaned against the wall to catch their breath.

“Ready to go again?” Ryu asked, once they had.

Noya glanced away from him and shrugged.

“Nah,” he said. “Let’s just wait till everyone else gets here.”

Ryu blinked. “All right,” he said, and settled beside him again.

The coach arrived after a few minutes, and the two of them helped set up the nets. The rest of the team filed in gradually, and they all started warmups once everyone was there. They split into two teams – Ryu and Noya on the same side, as usual – and began their last middle school game.

Ryu scored first, with a serve. He took several huge steps back, and then darted forward, leaping into the air at the very last second. For a moment or two, he was suspended in the air, as if in flight.

He bellowed in wordless exhilaration as his palm smacked the ball.

It sailed over the net and hit the ground on the other side. Ryu whooped again and Noya slapped his back.

Ryu’s next serve was stopped, and flew back to his side of the net with a well-placed spike from the other team. One of the other guys had to scramble to pick it up, but managed it. Back over the net it went, and with another set, it was spiked back again, right into the back-left corner.

It would be Noya’s ball. Ryu watched gleefully out of the corner of his eye.

But, instead of diving for it, Noya flinched.

The ball breezed past Noya’s shoulder and hit the ground behind him.

Ryu stared at him.

Noya suddenly looked pale. His eyes were wide and wary.

He glanced over his shoulder at the ball, now rolling away from the court.

“Out,” he croaked, in a voice very much not his own, and went to go get it.

He kept his hands clenched into fists as he walked, but Ryu thought for sure he had seen them shaking.

\- - -

Ryu kept an eye on Noya for the rest of practice. It wasn’t just his imagination, he soon realized; Noya was acting really weird. He’d been subdued this morning, and on the way here, he’d been a lot quieter than usual. And now he was flinching away from every ball that came too close to him, to the point where their team actually lost.

“Don’t worry about it, Noya,” Ryu called over to him as they packed up.

Noya smiled over at him, but it wasn’t his usual toothy grin.

They said goodbye to their teammates one last time, and then everyone left for home.

When they got to the corner – the usual start point for their races – Ryu stopped and readied himself to run again. When he looked to Noya, though, to start the countdown, he found him staring at the ground, hands limp at his sides.

“Sorry,” he said. “But could we just walk today?”

“Oh.” Ryu stood back up. “Okay.”

“Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s cool.”

They began to walk. Ryu looked over at him a few times. He knew he should say something. Noya was looking straight ahead, his hands were in his pockets, and his shoes scuffed the sidewalk with each step.

He was _tired._

‘Tired’ was something that Yuu Nishinoya fundamentally was not.

Ryu deliberated for a few steps, and then finally spoke.

“Hey,” he said, trying his best to sound lighthearted. “What’s up?”

Noya glanced at him and then looked back to the ground. He shrugged his thin little shoulders.

“Nothing,” he replied. “I’m tired. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

“Okay,” Ryu nodded. “Uh… anything else?”

“Nah,” Noya said, in the same flat voice. He kicked at a pebble in his path. “I’m good.”

Ryu still felt like something was wrong, but didn’t know how to pursue the point. If Noya didn’t want to talk about whatever was wrong, he wasn’t going to, no matter how many times Ryu asked.

Neither of them said anything for a little while. Ryu wanted to talk about something, but couldn’t think of anything.

Surprisingly, it was Noya who finally broke the silence.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep playing volleyball in high school,” he said.

Ryu gaped at him. “What?” he demanded. “Why?”

Noya shrugged again. He didn’t look at Ryu.

“Money,” he said.

“Oh.”

“I don’t want to spend money on extra stuff,” Noya said. “I should save it.”

Noya didn’t usually talk about money, or not being able to spend much – though Ryu had guessed, from how worn-out Noya’s clothes would get before he got new ones, that his family probably wasn’t rich.

What was weird about what he’d just said, though, was that he had just called volleyball ‘extra.’

Ryu knew full well that the only reason Noya even went to school was volleyball. Volleyball wasn’t ‘extra,’ it was his top priority.

“Are your parents making you stop?” he asked, watching Noya carefully.

“…No,” he said. His face gave nothing away.

“Do you not like volleyball anymore?”

“That’s not it. You know that much.” Noya shook his head. “Nah… it’s money. And my parents don’t want me out so long after school’s over anymore.”

Ryu was about to ask about that last part when Noya suddenly sped up.

“C’mon, let’s get to your place,” he said, much more upbeat than the last time he’d spoken. “I’m starving.”

Ryu stared at the back of his head.

Something was so obviously off.

It wasn’t exactly a secret that Noya’s home life wasn’t great. Noya never talked about it, not directly, but he would leave hints.

Like that one.

Noya looked over his shoulder and grinned at Ryu.

“Race you?” he offered.

Before Ryu could reply, Noya took off running.

“Hey!” he called after him. “You got a head start!”

It was nothing like any other race they’d had before. Noya didn’t laugh, talk, or do any of his usual running leaps. He kept his eyes straight ahead, focusing all his energy into speed. He was going so fast that Ryu actually started losing ground.

Noya kept it up all the way to the front door. He got there first, and collided with it hard. Ryu tagged the door too, and then leaned on it.

“That was awesome,” Noya said, when he could breathe enough to do so. “I won.”

“You’ve been going easy on me?” Ryu demanded, reaching into his backpack for his key. “All this time?”

“Nope,” Noya said. “I didn’t know I could run that fast either. I don’t know what that was.”

Ryu opened the door and let Noya in first, following close behind him.

Saeko wasn’t home yet, he noticed, with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He tried not to look at the empty space that was the seat she usually occupied.

She must still be at the hospital. Their grandmother wasn’t doing well. Saeko had been spending a lot of her free time with her.

Ryu tried to focus on something else. They had the house to themselves for a while. He should make the most of it.

“First day of summer,” Noya said, flopping down on the couch.

“What do you want to do?” Ryu asked, joining him.

Noya scoffed and sat up.

“What do you _think_ I want to do, Ryu?”

Ryu laughed and pushed himself up on his elbows. Noya rolled off the couch, landed on his knees, and walked on them over to the TV. He dug around in the box beneath it and pulled out a game and two remotes.

“I guess it was dumb to ask, huh?” Ryu said.

Noya tossed him one of the remotes and leaped back onto the couch as the game booted up. He dug an elbow into Ryu’s side and readied his remote.

“Score’s twenty-nineteen,” Noya said. “My favor.”

Ryu wanted to dispute the number, but knew he couldn’t; Noya was trustworthy when it came to scorekeeping. He didn’t cheat. Noya was absolutely serious about exactly two things: volleyball and Mario Kart.

Noya clicked through the mode selection screens so quickly they barely showed up. Once they got to the character select, Ryu immediately selected King Boo, and Noya went for Toad.

“Tiny and annoying,” Ryu snorted. “Just like you.”

This earned him another elbow in the side. “And King Boo has a huge-ass tongue,” Noya replied. “Just like you.”

“What the fuck’s an ass tongue?” Ryu teased.

Noya cackled. “I have no idea.”

They chose their cars – Ryu a large and impractical motorcycle, Noya a conventional-enough dragster. Ryu knew the bike handled like shit, but he refused to let go of the look.

They started the race. Noya started hammering away at the accelerator as soon as the countdown began. He drummed his feet on the floor and sat at the edge of his seat.

“Get ready to eat my dust, Ryu,” he said through his teeth.

Ryu didn’t say anything. He grinned and readied his controller.

He’d already lost once today; he wasn’t about to let it happen again.

The word _Go!_ flashed on the screen and the two of the took off from the starting line. The computer players weren’t even a thought for them – even on the highest difficulty, they were a nuisance at best.

Noya had a slim lead for most of the first half of the race. Whenever Ryu got a shell to throw at him, he would already have a banana to block it. Ryu growled in frustration and Noya cackled in response.

Noya won their first race, Ryu the second, and Noya the third. Noya sat at the top of the overall standings, but not by much. King Boo and his huge ass-tongue were right on his tail.

Saeko came home right as they started up with the final race of their match – Rainbow Road.

“Ooh,” she said. “Who’s winning?”

“I am!” both boys hollered at the same time.

“Sorry I asked,” she said, settling down on the arm of the sofa to watch the drama unfold.

It was a bitter fight. Both of them managed to stay on the track, but once again Noya managed to keep the lead he’d started with. Every speed boost Ryu got, Noya had already gotten a third of a second earlier. Every shell was blocked.

But then finally – _finally –_ Noya slipped up.

As soon as he heard the tell-tale hiss of a blue shell, Ryu slammed on the brakes. Noya did too – trying to catch Ryu in the blast radius – but a split second too late. Noya swore as his car was thrown into the air. Ryu cackled and sped by him.

The finish line was in his sights. He was so close to the edge of his seat that he almost fell off.

“God, Ryu,” Saeko snorted. “Chill out.”

When Ryu was about three hundredths of a second form the finish line, he turned and threw his remote at his sister. She caught it, laughing, shaking her head.

Noya started laughing his ass off.

Ryu realized that the game’s music hadn’t stopped when he crossed the finish line… it had sped up.

He whipped his head around to look at the screen again, and found his car idling just after the finish line.

Saeko tossed his remote back to him.

“You still got one more lap there, bud,” she called, raising her voice over Noya’s uncontrollable laughter.

Ryu roared in frustration and pressed the accelerator so hard the tip of his thumb turned white. Noya, still howling with laughter, was just a speck on the horizon. To add insult to injury, Ryu also got passed by an NPC. And then another.

Noya laughed like crazy all the way to the end of the race. Ryu managed to claw his way back into second place, but Noya had too much of a lead for him to be able to steal first back.

Noya crossed the finish line a full five seconds before Ryu did. Once he had safely begun his victory lap, Noya flopped back on the couch, still almost crying with laughter.

Ryu finished, finally, and stared blankly at the screen.

“I’m fucking crying,” Noya wheezed. “Holy shit.”

“That was amazing,” Saeko said. “One for the books. What’s the score now?”

“Nineteen,” Noya said, pointing at Ryu, “Twenty- _one_ ,” he finished, pointing at himself.

“Gosh, Ryu,” Saeko sighed. “Falling behind, huh?”

There was a moment of silence. Noya managed to get a hold of himself and steady his breathing out.

“Well,” Ryu sighed.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Noya said.

“That really was amazing.” Saeko hopped off the couch and walked over to the kitchen. “What do we want for dinner?”

“Pasta,” Ryu said.

“What kind?”

“Spaghetti!” Noya said.

“All right.” Saeko started moving around the room, getting stuff ready. “Who wants to help me cook?”

“Nobody!” the boys said in unison.

“Thought so,” she grumbled.

\- - -

The three of them ate dinner together, and then Saeko left for her room, leaving Ryu and Noya by themselves in the living room. They chatted for a while, but Noya seemed like he was worn out again. He’d been energetic as usual before dinner, but now it was gone again.

Ryu looked over at him several times, and found him staring blankly at the table each time. He felt like he should say something, once again, but he still had no idea what it should be. He wasn’t good at… emotional stuff. Neither of them were. He and Noya both usually downplayed it when something was wrong. They never talked about it. The problems went away on their own. Or they didn’t, but at least the other one didn’t have to worry about it as well. They didn’t want to ruin the fun.

But this was a little different. At this point, Noya wasn’t even _trying_ to hid that something was wrong.

“Hey,” Ryu finally said, breaking that long silence. “Everything okay?”

Noya didn’t say anything for a moment. The gap spoke for itself.

Maybe he realized he’d been quiet too long. Maybe he didn’t. Either way, he didn’t lie this time.

“I mean…” he said quietly. “About as okay as ever.”

He shifted in his seat and turned his face away from Ryu. He rested the heel of his hand on his mouth.

“I… kinda lied earlier,” he went on. “About volleyball.”

“Oh.”

“My parents do want me to stop playing.”

Ryu frowned. “That’s not fair,” he said, indignant. “Why?”

“’Cause it costs extra money they don’t wanna spend.” He shrugged.

“But you paid for it yourself all this time,” Ryu protested. “And if it’s money, you can talk to the coach about it and they can help.”

“I didn’t ask my parents before I signed up,” Noya said. “They didn’t find out till this year. I should be happy they even let me finish the year out.”

Ryu twisted his mouth. He’d never met Noya’s parents, or been to his house – because Noya insisted there was nothing to do there – but Ryu didn’t like them one bit. Noya always talked about them like this – like they didn’t want to let him do anything.

But the worst part of it was that… Noya would just let them.

There was something wrong there, but he never talked about it.

Noya scrunched himself up in his seat and sighed. “Whatever,” he said. “I can find something else to do.”

Ryu scoffed. “Really?”

“What?”

“ _You?_ Are gonna do something other than volleyball in high school?”

“I mean,” Noya said. “It looks like I’ll have to, doesn’t it?”

“You’re gonna let your parents tell you what to do?” Ryu demanded.

“I mean… Yeah,” Noya replied. “They’re my parents. What they say goes.”

Ryu looked at him. His eyes were wide.

Ryu leaned closer to him.

_“What they say doesn’t go if what they say is some dumb shit about you not playing volleyball anymore,”_ he hissed.

Noya blinked at him. “What are you talking about?” he breathed.

“I mean… You love volleyball.”

“That doesn’t make a difference.”

“Can you _really_ not pay for it? Is that what the problem is?”

“Yes,” Noya snapped. “Now shut the fuck up about it.”

There was a total, deafening silence.

Ryu sat back in his chair, staring at him.

Noya clenched one fist and glared at it.

Before either of them could speak again, Noya stood up from his seat and walked to the door.

“Come on,” he said, putting his shoes on. “The sun’s going down. Let’s go run before it gets dark.”

Ryu stood up. Noya was already out the door before he got there. He left the door open for Ryu but walked to the sidewalk without him, and stood there waiting.

Ryu pulled his shoes on and walked out to him.

Their evenings usually ended like this. Noya loved running, and hated sitting still. In winter, it had been equal parts entertaining and exasperating having him inside, bouncing off the walls all the time; as soon as the weather warmed up, Noya would be outside running again.

Noya looked up at Ryu as he got closer, and he smiled, but only briefly – his heart wasn’t in it.

Ryu felt awful.

He took his spot beside Noya on the sidewalk and readied himself for a fast start. He kept his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Noya said. “Count us off.”

There was a weird catch in his voice. Ryu acted like he didn’t hear it.

“All right,” Ryu said. “Ready.”

They both stuffed their weight and leaned forward.

“Set.”

Ryu glanced at Noya. He was looking down, and he was shaking. Ryu looked away.

“…Go!”

They took off together. Ryu kept his eyes straight ahead, only listening for Noya. He ran as hard as he could, and he heard Noya doing the same – could hear his breathing, faster than normal, just behind him.

He was falling behind, ever so slightly. He was breathing too hard, not using his energy well at all.

It wasn’t like him to be tired already.

They ran their usual route – just once around the block. Ryu could hear Noya getting farther and farther behind with each step. Ryu eased up a little, not wanting to leave him in the dust, but he still finished well ahead of him.

Ryu stopped in front of his house and stalled a few seconds before turning around.

Noya caught up with him and immediately stopped, leaned over, and put his hands on his knees. Ryu watched him cautiously.

Noya took a moment to catch his breath. Ryu waited, listening to him.

Eventually, he spoke.

“You went easy on me,” Noya mumbled.

“What?”

Noya sniffed and rubbed his eyes with his forearm. Ryu’s stomach sank. He said it again.

“Why’d you go easy on me?” he asked – and Ryu knew, now, that he hadn’t imagined the wavering in his voice. “We were racing.”

Ryu looked at his shoes.

“I didn’t wanna leave you behind,” he mumbled. “We were running together – I didn’t wanna ditch you.”

Noya didn’t reply. He sniffed and rubbed his eyes again. Ryu pretended not to see.

After a few minutes, Noya calmed down and straightened up. Ryu still didn’t look at him.

“You wanna stay over tonight?” he asked. He already knew what the answer would be.

“I can’t,” Noya replied. “I can’t.”

“Okay,” Ryu said. “Um… I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

Noya’s phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket, turned his back on Ryu, and answered the call.

“Hi, mom,” he croaked. “Sorry. I’m at Ryu’s. Yeah. Sorry. Late, I know. Sorry…”

Ryu didn’t know Noya’s mother, but if the way he talked to her was any guide, she was scary.

“I’ll be home soon,” he went on, scuffing his shoe on the sidewalk. “No, I’ll be fine. I’ll be back soon. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry.”

His shoulders were hunched. He looked even smaller than he already was.

“Yeah. I love you too. Sorry. Bye.”

Noya waited a few seconds, then took the phone away from his ear, letting his arms fall to his sides.

Ryu didn’t say anything for a little while. He kicked at a pebble, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and stared at the ground. Noya didn’t move.

“Tomorrow?” Ryu repeated.

Noya sighed.

“Probably can’t,” he said. “They’re not happy I stayed out so late without telling them. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go out tomorrow.”

“Text me if that changes?”

“If they don’t take my phone away,” Noya nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”

He scratched the back of his head. He turned back to Ryu, giving him a smile.

“I’ll go grab my stuff,” he said. “I’ll get out of your hair.”

“I don’t even have hair for you to get in in the first place,” Ryu said. This got a laugh out of Noya, which was exactly what he’d been going for. He smiled to himself as he led the way back to the house.

Saeko was sitting at the kitchen counter when they came in. She had her head in her hands, but quickly looked up when they walked in, and smiled at them.

“Hey there, boys,” she said. She was pretending hard, but Ryu could tell she was tired. “Heading home, Yuu? Want a ride?”

“No,” Noya replied. He always did. “Nah, I’ll walk. Thanks, though.”

“You sure?”

“It’s not dark yet. I’ll be fine.”

She nodded. “Okay. Get home safe.”

“I will.”

Noya picked up his backpack, waved at the two of them, and walked out the front door.

Ryu waited until the door was fully closed, then turned around and looked warily at his sister.

She already had tears in her eyes.

“Buddy,” she wavered.

Ryu’s heart stopped. He staggered over to the seat next to her.

Saeko covered her face with one hand and placed the other on Ryu’s knee. She couldn’t speak for a little while.

_It’s Grandma, isn’t it?_

He couldn’t say it. Eventually, she did. She took a deep breath and held it and then she said it.

“Ryu… buddy…

“Grandma… isn’t getting better. Ever since she went to the hospital, you know, she… she’s just been getting sicker.”

Ryu’s throat closed up and his eyes burned. Saeko squeezed his leg. He stared at her hand, concentrated on the pressure there, trying to keep from bursting into tears. He clenched his fists in his lap.

One more deep breath and she finished.

“…She won’t get better, buddy,” she sobbed. “She isn’t… coming home…”

Ryu couldn’t do it. His face crumpled.

Saeko stood up and hugged him tight. He could hear her trying to comfort him, even though she cried so hard she shook them both.

“We’ll be okay,” she insisted. “We’ll be okay. We’ll stick together and we’ll be okay…”

Ryu couldn’t say a word. He hugged her back, buried his face in her shoulder, and cried so hard he couldn’t breathe.

Their dad, their mom, and now their grandma.

By now, there was hardly anything left to be taken away.

The two of them clung to each other, crying and trying to stop crying, for a very long time. When they were done, Ryu’s head hurt and his eyes stung.

Saeko kissed the top of his head and patted his back.

“I love you, buddy,” she croaked. “You know that, don’t you?”

He nodded, staring at the floor.

“I’m sorry I had to… spring that on you,” she wavered.

“It’s okay.” Ryu couldn’t manage more than a whisper. There wasn’t a good time for something like that, ever.

“You should get some sleep,” she said. “You’re tired.”

“Yeah.”

“You need anything?”  
“No.”

She was quiet. She let go of him. He scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and stood up. He wobbled a little and Saeko touched his shoulder.

“If you need anything,” she said. “Come get me. Okay?”  
He nodded. He stepped away from her.

He walked to his room and shut the door. He sat down on the bed, staring at the wall.

He was exhausted and out of tears, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. His hands were shaking.

He laid down and put his arms over his eyes.

\- - -

Noya took a long time to get home.

He was late already – his parents would act the same no matter how late he was, so he figured he should get his money’s worth out of it.

He felt guilty for it, but he didn’t want to go home.

He took the longest route possible. He walked all the way around each block. He stopped at McDonald’s and bought a burger. The cashier asked him what he was doing out so late. He shrugged without saying anything. He was used to being mistaken for a little kid when he went out like this, but he didn’t have time to explain to this person that he wasn’t eight years old. He took his food and left. He ate quickly. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to eat breakfast tomorrow, so he figured he should stuff his face now. Even though he’d already eaten, the burger tasted good.

It wasn’t dark when he got home. The neighbor’s dog barked at him. He crumpled up his McDonald’s bag and crammed it into the outdoor trash can. He paused before the front door and listened. There was shouting going on inside, which chilled him for a second, until he realized it was coming from the TV. He felt his shoulders relax.

He tried the doorknob, but it didn’t open. He hesitated, then raised his fist and knocked.

The TV noise died instantly. Cold dread filled his stomach again.

His mother came to the door. She opened it and looked down at him with eyes he couldn’t read and that awful, taut smile.

She wasn’t much taller than Noya, but in that moment he felt dwarfed by her.

“You’re back late,” she said.

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at his shoes. “Sorry.”

“Why are you late?”  
She sounded calm. Noya clenched his trembling hands into fists.

He shrugged.

“You told me you would be back by five,” she said. “You missed dinner. I had to throw away perfectly good food.”  
“I’m sorry.”

“You should be,” she said. “It’s too late to eat now.”

She walked away from the door, leaving it open. He followed her inside and shut it behind him.

Noya’s father was sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle and a glass in front of him. He looked at his son with bloodshot eyes. Noya could only bear to look at him for split seconds at a time.

“Do the dishes,” his mother said, flicking her hand in the direction of the growing stack in the sink. “Then go to bed.”

He watched her walk out of the room. He set his backpack down near the hall and rolled up his sleeves. Just as he was about to start washing the dishes, his mother walked back in and put her hand out.

“Phone,” she said.

He gave it to her. She left. He turned back to the dishes.

He cleaned as quickly as he could. He could feel his father’s eyes on him the whole time. He dropped a dish in the sink and flinched at the sound.

Last night flashed into his mind. He closed his eyes and waited, breathless, but his father didn’t make a sound.

The bruises on Noya’s arms were from practicing diving receives.

He finished the dishes as quickly as he could, wiped down the counter, and hurried out of the room. His father still didn’t say a word. Once Noya was out of the room, he could breathe again.

He took his backpack into his room and shut the door. A little bit of light still leaked in through the window, which was good, because the light bulb in his lamp was still burnt out.

He sank down onto his mattress. He stared up at the ceiling.

He wouldn’t be able to see Ryu tomorrow, or the next day, or even for the next week or so, most likely. Not until his mother decided – or remembered – to give his phone back.

He focused on the Mario Kart game he and Ryu had played. He smiled and laughed to himself, thinking of how great his win had been. His cheeks hurt.

The room got dark around him. Eventually, he managed to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there that was a lot heavier than I think any of us expected including myself
> 
> I'm already hard at work on Chapter Three, which will jump us forward through the summer to when Noya and Ryu start high school.. and begin all that we learned towards the end of Top of the World.
> 
> Please leave a kudo or even a comment if you're enjoying this story. It's very encouraging to me, and it means a lot. ♥ I love you all. I'm sorry everything's so crazy right now, I'll try to make sure there isn't such a huge gap between this chapter an the next, and the rest of them as well. I want to finish this verse, because I feel like it has an even better ending as a whole than the first work does alone.
> 
> I'll see you next time. Thank you for sticking with me. ♥♥♥
> 
> As always, you can drop me a line at i-homeostasis.tumblr.com if you want ~


	3. Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We jump three months to September. Noya and Tanaka are in high school, and things are about to change.

_Three months later._

 

Ryu stood on the cement wall around the high school’s courtyard, squinting at the lunchtime crowd.

Noya was late. This in itself wasn’t odd, but he was late for _lunch_ , which was.

He wasn’t super late, though. Ryu sat down on the wall and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Bored, he opened his texts and started scrolling through them.

There weren’t too many. A few from Noya, one or two from Dachi, the vice captain of their volleyball team, a couple from Saeko… Nothing new and exciting. He’d gotten a few girls’ numbers already, but they didn’t seem good at texting back. Maybe he should try them again. Just to make sure they hadn’t forgotten about him.

He opened Noya’s conversation. They hadn’t talked much over the summer. Noya had spent most of it grounded. Ryu had only seen him a handful of times before school started, which was unusual; he and Noya had been inseparable all through middle school. He’d come over so often that Saeko asked where her other brother was, on the rare occasion that he didn’t walk in the front door with Ryu after school.

But this past summer – between Noya being constantly off the grid, Grandma’s funeral, and way too many family gatherings with relatives he couldn’t remember – Ryu hadn’t seen much of his best friend at all. He’d never been happier for school to start up again. They actually had a class together this year, and they ate lunch together each day. Noya had also apparently convinced his parents to let him join the volleyball team, because they had that, too. Ryu had seen him talking to the coach on the first day – quietly, off to the side, with his head down. Money, probably. Ryu didn’t ask. He was just glad they would both be able to play. He wouldn’t have felt right on the court without his trusty guard behind him.

Ryu scrolled through their texts. They were all short – not much beyond Ryu asking him to come over, and mostly Noya saying he couldn’t.

Noya’s parents had really cracked down on him this past summer. Ryu worried about him a little.

He turned his phone off and looked up to scan the crowd again. He spotted Noya almost instantly and waved at him. Noya waved back and gave him a big old grin.

“Hey, Noya,” Ryu said as he sat down beside him. “Sup?”

Noya gave a dramatic, gusty sigh, leaning back on his hands. “Just _awful_ ,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“I haven’t _eaten_ in a full _four hours._ ”

“Then maybe eat that pizza you’re about to dump on the ground,” Ryu said, nodding at the plate he held in his lap. Noya scooped it up and stared at it.

“I don’t think we can even logically say this is food,” he said. “But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.”

He picked up his slice of pizza and stuffed half of it into his mouth at once. He had to chew with his mouth open for a bit while he condensed it a little.

Ryu snorted. “What a wimpy little bite,” he taunted. “Wimpy tiny jaw in a tiny wimpy head.”

Noya scowled around his mouthful of pizza. “Mmfh mm _hnmm_ hn mm!” he retorted.

“I can so do better,” Ryu said. “Lookit.”

He opened his mouth as wide as would go and took the biggest bite he could. He held his slice out and Noya did the same. The result was undebatable; Ryu had taken a much bigger bite.

Noya let his arm fall, defeated, and Ryu let out a very muffled cheer for himself. Then he, too, set about the task of chewing up that very large bite. It wasn’t easy.

Ryu heard Noya choke on his pizza. He looked up, expecting to find Noya in the process of suffocating, and instead found Daichi standing in front of them, looking amused.

“Hello there,” Daichi said. “How are you guys doing?”

Noya, red in the face, somehow managed to swallow all his pizza and reply first.

“Good,” he wheezed. “Great. Hi.”

Ryu laughed at him and slapped his back a few times.

“Good,” Daichi nodded. “Good.”

Noya coughed again.

“You two were great in practice this morning,” Daichi went on. “Great job. Lotta energy.”

“Thanks!” Ryu grinned.

“Noya,” Daichi said – and Noya almost died again – “You made some awesome saves, too. That one serve that just barely went over – I thought it was gone, but you came outta nowhere and just –”

He mimed bumping the ball and grinned. “Crazy. You’re the best libero I’ve seen in a while.”

Noya nodded – face still red – and managed to say “thank you.”

Daichi nodded. “I’ll see you both after school today, right?”

“Yeah!” Ryu said. Noya nodded again, apparently unable to get words out. Daichi gave him a pleasant but bewildered smile, and waved at the two of them as he walked away.

Ryu watched him out of sight, and then turned to Noya, grinning widely.

Noya finally managed to get the rest of the pizza down. His face was on fire. He caught sight of Ryu and buried his face in his hands.

“That was a little bit gay, Noya,” Ryu whispered.

If Noya could have blushed more, he would have. “Do you think he noticed?” he asked.

“You probably passed that one off as choking, to be honest,” Ryu reasoned.

“To be fair, I was doing that too.”

“I think you’re good then.”

Noya ran his hands through his hair and groaned. “He surprised me,” he grumbled. “That’s not fair. Doesn’t he know he’s too hot to sneak up on people like that?”

Ryu snorted.  
“I gotta prepare myself for like a full hour before I’m ready for that face,” Noya said. He took another – much smaller – bite of his pizza. “Not cool.”

Ryu laughed and also turned back to his food.

They finished their pizza quickly, threw their plates away, and went back to sit down by the flagpole again. They talked and joked for a while, and then Noya fell quiet. He pulled out his phone and messed with it for a while. For lack of anything better to do, Ryu did the same, casting a wary glance up at Noya every now and then. His expression was blank – giving away nothing, but that itself gave away a lot. He didn’t clam up like that much. When he did, something was wrong.

“Ryu?” he asked, his voice low.

“Hm?”

He took a deep breath.

“Do you… think I should tell my parents?”

Ryu stared. Noya looked back at him, eyebrows pulled together a little.

“About,” Ryu began.

“About me liking guys.”

Ryu shrugged.

“If you feel like you should, yeah,” he said. “You don’t have to, though.”

Noya turned away from him, hopped up from his seat, and stuck his hands in his pockets.

“I don’t like lying to them,” he said.

“It’s not lying if you never told them any different,” Ryu said.

“Well, I don’t like keeping stuff from them, either,” Noya added. He kicked a rock.

“I mean, whatever you want,” Ryu said. “If you think you’ll be safe.”

“Yeah,” Noya said. “Yeah, I’ll be safe. They’re my parents.”

The lunch bell rang. Ryu got up and they started walking to class together. They were quiet most of the way. Noya stopped for a little while at the corner where they had to leave each other.

Ryu stopped too, looking back at him apprehensively.

“I think…” Noya said. “I think I’ll tell them tonight.”

“Okay,” Ryu said. “If you want to.”

“I feel like I should,” Noya said.

“Okay.”

Ryu stared at him, trying to catch his eye, but Noya never looked up from the ground. He waited a little longer, trying to think of something to say.

“Okay,” he eventually repeated. “Text me and tell me how it goes?”

“Yeah,” Noya said. “Definitely.”

With that, they said goodbye to each other and went their separate ways.

There was an uneasy feeling in Ryu’s stomach as he walked away from him.

Noya had told him he liked guys about a month before. Ryu hadn’t been surprised. It had been pretty clear, from their very first day of practice in high school, that he thought Daichi was cute.

He’d seemed really nervous when he’d told him. So much that he’d told Ryu via text, right before a weekend when they wouldn’t see each other. Ryu had noticed he’d been a little subdued at school that day, and made sure to let him know he didn’t need to worry. He was back to his normal, upbeat self that following Monday.

It was scary how afraid he’d seemed when he told him. And today, Noya hadn’t seemed confident at all. He probably knew better than Ryu did, but he couldn’t get past the feeling that something wasn’t right.

Ryu still hadn’t met Noya’s parents, and nor had he been to his house. Noya always walked home from Ryu’s alone, refusing offers of company or a ride. He still used the same old excuses. He didn’t want Ryu to come over, for whatever reason.

Ryu could guess, and he was pretty damn sure he was right, but Noya could always deny any suspicions he had. The way Noya talked about his parents, anyone might guess they were just strict and overprotective.

But nobody but Ryu saw the way he acted when he talked about his parents. Maybe even Noya himself wasn’t aware of it.

Ryu didn’t want to wait to find out what would happen when he told them.

\- - -

Ryu made it through the rest of his classes with about ten times the usual amount of fidgeting. As soon as the bell rang, he bolted out the door and across campus to the locker room.

He was the first one there. Daichi arrived next, and blinked at him in surprise.

“Here already, Tanaka?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Ryu replied. “Uh. Have you seen Noya?”

“Not since lunch,” Daichi said. “Why?”  
“Lookin’ for him,” he mumbled. He had to try to keep his nerves under control. Daichi wouldn’t pry, but he still didn’t want to draw too much unnecessary attention.

The rest of the team started to show up, and Daichi opened the door to let them in. Ryu lingered at the door, bouncing anxiously up and down, looking for Noya in the crowd. He found him eventually, towards the back, and bounded over to him. Noya raised his eyebrows as he approached.

“Sup?” he asked.

Ryu tried again to tone it down. “Nothin’,” he said. “Waiting for you.”

They made their way to the locker room and the coach unlocked it for them. Ryu kept an eye on Noya as they changed, and noticed that he was back to his usual self; he chatted with their teammates, laughing and joking around as he always did.

If Ryu didn’t know any better, he’d think Noya didn’t have a care in the world.

Noya caught his eye at one point, as they were all leaving the locker room, and said quietly to him:

“I think you’re more nervous about this than I am.”

But Ryu could tell, as they began their practice game, that he wasn’t the only one whose mind wasn’t focused on it. He and Noya both missed plays they wouldn’t usually have any trouble with. Noya was a pro at laughing it off by now. Ryu had a lot more trouble.

Practice seemed to take forever, but eventually it ended. Daichi, the captain, and the coach gathered them all up to thank them for their hard work and to give them a few words of encouragement, and then let everyone go. Ryu attached himself to Noya’s side again as they returned to the locker room, changed, said goodbye to their teammates, and set out for home.

The sun was starting to set. The days were getting shorter. There were dark blue clouds on the orange horizon that looked like rain. Ryu hoped they could both get back home before it started.

They walked without talking for a while. Noya grasped his backpack straps and focused intently on his shoes. Ryu waited for him to say anything.

He didn’t until they were almost to Ryu’s driveway. At the last corner, he stopped. Ryu stopped too.

“I’ll do it after dinner,” he said. “So… in about an hour, I guess.”

Ryu gave him what he hoped was an encouraging smile. “Okay,” he said. “You’ll text me?”

Noya nodded. “Yeah.”

“If they take it bad, they’re assholes.”

“They won’t take it bad.”

“Okay.”

The clouds were really rolling in now. Ryu figured he should send Noya on his way before the rain started.

He took a few backward steps toward his house and raised a hand to wave. “See ya tomorrow, bud,” he said. “Let me know how it goes.”

Noya waved back and turned away.

Ryu watched him go for a while, apprehension strong in his gut. He waited until Noya was almost out of sight before he turned and walked into the house.

He was quiet at dinner, barely managing to make small talk with Saeko. Ryu ate enough that she didn’t bug him about it, but his stomach made it difficult. She seemed tired herself – she’d just started working her second job, on top of taking classes at the community college – so she didn’t have a lot of fight to put up. Ryu excused himself early, saying he had a lot of homework to get through tonight, and she just told him good luck. He hid himself away in his room about twenty minutes before Noya had said he would go for it.

Twenty minutes was forever. He tried to distract himself with a computer game, but still ended up checking his phone every few seconds. His stomach was all up in knots and he was sweating and shaking like crazy.

Finally, _finally,_ Noya texted him.

 

>> ok im gonna do it

 

Ryu almost knocked his phone off his desk in his haste to answer.

 

> good luck!!!

>> thanks

 

Ryu stood up and started pacing in circles around the room. His phone screen never actually stayed off; the second it timed out, he turned it on again. He tried to take his mind off things with a game again, but he couldn’t sit still. He lay down on his bed and listened to the heavy rain on the roof. The minutes crawled by, ten of them taking thirty. He paced. He sat. He drummed his fingers on the desk and tapped his feet. After fifteen minutes he debated texting Noya again, in case he’d somehow forgotten. Somehow he survived a full half hour, and by then he was teetering on the edge of calling him. He had Noya’s contact info pulled up and was about to hit the call button when there was suddenly a knock on the front door.

Ryu’s heart stopped.

There was no way.

_No way._

He dropped his phone on the floor, dashed out of his room, tripped over his own feet, and staggered to the front of the house. He heard Saeko call out to him, but didn’t know what she said.

There was another knock at the door just as he reached it. He unlocked it, hands shaking like crazy, and pulled it open.

Noya stood on the doorstep, soaking wet in the now-pouring rain. His hair was down and hid his eyes. He wasn’t wearing a jacket.

He looked up at Ryu slowly. His eyes were red, his expression was blank, and he was shivering.

“What happened?” Ryu breathed, but Noya didn’t say anything.

Ryu grabbed his arm and pulled him into the house. Noya shivered in the sudden warmth.

“Are you okay?” Ryu asked.

Noya bowed his head again. For a few moments, he didn’t even move.

When he did speak, it was in a voice so quiet that Ryu could barely hear him.

“…They kicked me out,” he croaked.

“ _What?_ ” Ryu demanded. He grabbed Noya’s shoulders, trying and failing to get him to look him in the eye.

Ryu heard Saeko’s door open behind him. He looked over his shoulder and quickly back to Noya.

“Hey,” he whispered. “How much can I tell her?”

Noya raised his head only slightly. He shrugged his shoulders.

“All of it,” he rasped.

Ryu pressed his lips together, eyes lingering on Noya for a moment before he turned to face Saeko.

She looked confused as she walked in, and looked even more so when she noticed who was here.

“Yuu?” she asked. “What’s… hey, you’re soaking wet! Did you walk here?”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t even move. Bewildered, Saeko looked to Ryu.

Ryu glanced at him again, carefully placed himself between Noya and Saeko, and took a deep breath.

“So, uh,” Ryu paused. “Noya is, uh…”

She stared at him, eyes wide. He couldn’t keep eye contact.

“Noya’s gay,” he said.

“Okay,” she nodded.

Ryu took another deep breath.

“He, uh… he came out to his parents tonight,” he went on.

He heard Saeko’s breath catch. He could barely get the last part out.

“They… kicked him out,” he finished.

“Oh my god,” Saeko breathed.

Ryu stepped to the side and let her rush forward and hug Noya. He didn’t react at all.

“You’re staying with us,” she said. “You’re staying here as long as you need, you hear me, buddy?”

Noya nodded into her shoulder. He was a little bit taller than Saeko by now, but at the moment he seemed tiny in her arms.

She pulled herself away from him and turned his face up with both hands. He looked right back at her. She opened her mouth and gasped, gently touching a place on his cheek with her finger.

Noya suddenly shook her off and pulled away, bowing his head again. Ryu looked at Saeko, at Noya, at Saeko again, confused but knowing better than to ask. There were a few moments of tense silence. Saeko seemed about to ask Noya something, mouth open slightly, but she closed it after a moment or two.

She took a step back, covering her face with her hands.

“Take him to your room, Ryu,” she said quietly. “Let him borrow some clothes. Dry him off.”

Ryu nodded. Saeko stepped to the side and walked into the kitchen.

“I’ll make you something warm to drink,” she said. “Go get in bed.”

Ryu wrapped an arm around Noya’s shoulders and led him to his room. Neither of them said a word.

They walked inside and Ryu closed the door. He let go of Noya.

“You wanna take a shower?” Ryu asked.

Noya shook his head.

“Okay.”

He crossed the room to his closet and started looking for clothes Noya could wear. Anything he picked would be huge on him; Noya had grown a lot these past few years, but he was still tiny.

Ryu took out some sweats and a T-shirt and tossed them over to Noya. Noya almost dropped them. A minute or two of fumbling later and he had the new clothes on, and the old ones were lying in a sopping heap on the floor.

Ryu sat down on the bed and pulled Noya down beside him, wrapping a protective arm around him again.

They sat there in the dark. Ryu waited. Noya stared at his hands, saying nothing.

Saeko knocked on the door a few minutes later.

“Can I come in?” she called.

Noya nodded.

“Yeah,” Ryu said. “Yeah, come in.”

She opened the door, letting in a dim patch of light from the hallway. She walked in and set two mugs down on Ryu’s end table.

“Hot chocolate,” she said. “If you want it.”

She paused in front of Noya for a moment. She put a hand on his head and ruffled his hair a little bit.

“Let me know if you need anything,” she murmured. She looked at Ryu and twisted her mouth.

Ryu nodded and she left them. She closed the door behind her. Ryu heard her sigh, and then her footsteps, and then her bedroom door opening and closing.

Ryu leaned over, picked up one of the mugs, and handed it to Noya, who held it but didn’t drink it. Ryu tried to take a sip of his own drink, but was too hot. He set it back down.

Ryu listened to the rain drumming on the roof. He kept his arm wrapped close around his best friend’s shoulders. He could feel him warming up, could feel his shivering finally stop. The hot chocolate cooled enough that Ryu could drink some, so he did, and after another minute or so Noya followed suit.

And then he spoke – in a voice so small and plaintive and unlike him that Ryu felt his chest ache.

“He hit me, Ryu,” Noya wavered. “He hit me.”

He seemed to grow even smaller in that moment.

Ryu almost dropped his mug on the floor. He barely managed to set it down without spilling it everywhere. He threw his arms around Noya and hugged him as tight as he could. Noya pressed himself close and buried his face in Ryu’s shoulder.

Ryu felt him finally start to cry.

For the first time since Ryu had met him, he wasn’t trying to hide it at all.

Ryu took his mug from him so he wouldn’t spill it. He turned so they could get closer together. He didn’t say a word; he held Noya tight, resting his cheek against the top of his head, and fought his hardest to keep from crying as Noya sobbed himself into silence.

It took a while for Noya to tire himself out. When he did, he simply lay against Ryu, sniffling and trying to catch his breath.

Ryu lay down and pulled Noya with him. They let go of each other but stayed close together.

“You’re never going back there,” Ryu said. “Those assholes – you’re never going back again.”

“I have to,” Noya croaked. “They’re my parents. I have to.”

“They kicked you out.”

“They have to take me back,” Noya protested. “They can’t just… they… they’re my parents! They care about me! They’re supposed to…”

He choked, cutting himself off. He wrapped his arms around his head.

“They love me,” he wavered. “They love me, no matter what. They’re my parents…”

“They’re treating you like shit. No parent who loves their kid would –”

“Don’t tell me they don’t love me.”

The tears were back in Noya’s voice. From behind his arms, Ryu heard a muffled whimper.

Ryu felt cold.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

He gathered him up into a hug again. Noya didn’t cry this time – he must have been too tired.

“Only… You know Saeko and me care about you, right?” Ryu asked.

Noya nodded.

“You know you’re safe here.”

Another nod.

“Stay where you’re happy, okay?” Ryu murmured. “There’s space for you here. Saeko told you to stay too, remember?”

“Yeah,” Noya said, his voice rough. “I’ll… I’ll stay until they call me back.”

Ryu let go of him and sat up. Noya stayed down.

“You take the bed,” Ryu said. “I’ll sleep on the floor if you want.”

Noya nodded and Ryu stood up. He got some blankets out of the closet and spread them out on the floor. He heard Noya shift around on the bed and eventually settle down.

Ryu lay down on the floor and listened to the quiet for a while. Noya rolled over every now and then. It couldn’t be easy to sleep after something like that.

“Lemme know if you need anything,” Ryu said into the dark.

The blankets on the bed rustled again. He listened a while longer, but didn’t hear anything else.

Ryu rolled over and closed his eyes, but he felt wide awake.

Maybe it was awful of him – and he’d never say it out loud, never to Noya – but he hoped Noya’s parents never came to get him back.

Ryu always wanted to know Noya was safe. If he stayed, he’d never have to wonder.

His mind kept wandering back to what Noya had said.

_They’re my parents. They love me._

Anger flared up each time he thought about it.

This was not what love was supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! I'm sorry this update took so long. I finished drafting it about two weeks ago, but then midterms happened, a lot of stress happened, and I really got to typing this as soon as I could, I swear. I really hope the next update won't take so long, given that I'm out of the midterms woods and have already started drafting it (plus it's gonna be a fun part to write, by which I mean it's gonna be extremely emotional and high-tension, not that it's fun or lighthearted in any way). I don't like leaving big gaps either. 
> 
> I'm on the very end of my spring break. I had to use most of it to write a 7-page paper, ughh. What kind of professor assigns a paper over break?? well, actually, I did need the time, because during the actual week of midterms, I had an 8-page paper to work on all week, and working on those both at the same time was NOt gonna be okay. so. I guess it all worked out ~
> 
> Remember to leave a kudo if you're enjoying so far and haven't already, or a comment if you're feeling chatty (I love hearing from you and there's about a 101% chance I'll reply to you). You can also feel free to inbox me at i-homeostasis.tumblr.com ~ I live for that shitt
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me. I'll see you guys again soon! ♥ Your support means the world.


	4. Wasting My Young Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this is the one with the accident. If you want to skip this one you can. It's not super graphic but there is blood so

_One year later_

Noya’s sixteenth birthday was a Wednesday.

Saeko had promised him she would take him to the DMV right after school, which was the very soonest he could have gone anyway, but he still resented having to sit still for a whole day. Going to school on his birthday seemed like a travesty – especially when that birthday happened to be his sixteenth and he was going to get his driver’s license later. Saeko had been mostly responsible for teaching him to drive, and by her standards he was good – but her driving methods were so crazy that they made even Ryu nervous, so Noya guessed it was relative.

He would take it slow at the actual test, but after that…

Noya couldn’t stop himself from grinning and drumming his feet on the floor. He wasn’t exactly cooped up at the Tanakas’, but he’d never before felt the freedom of zooming down a freeway at eighty miles an hour. He imagined the window rolled down, the wind in his hair, radio on as loud as it would go, as he rushed towards somewhere, no destination in mind.

He doubted Saeko’s car would go eighty. He might be able to get sixty out of it, sixty-five at most, he guessed. Either way, though, he’d be going a lot faster than he ever could on foot.

As soon as Saeko left for work or class tonight, Noya was going to take the car and Ryu and go on a drive. And it was going to be great. There had been so many times when Saeko couldn’t drive them somewhere because she was busy, so the two of them just stayed at home all day, bored out of their skulls. But not anymore.

Noya drummed his feet even faster.

There hadn’t been a lot to get excited about lately. The days were all so similar that they started running together. He’d never thought he would be bored at Ryu’s house, but now that he was living there, he realized he could, and that it actually happened pretty easily.

He hadn’t heard from his parents at all over the past year. He was sure Saeko had at least tried to call them, but he didn’t know if she’d actually ended up talking to them. They hadn’t contacted Noya in any way.

It sucked. He thought they would call him home after that night, or after a day or so. But a week passed, then two, then many more, and nothing. He would have been happy for the loudest, most gut-wrenching call from his mother, for the angriest they’d ever been, because at least it would mean they loved him, they wanted him back, he still had a place in his home.

But nothing. Noya stayed with the Tanakas and tried not to think about it.

He wasn’t thinking about it now. He was thinking about all the places he and Ryu would be able to go alone after this afternoon. The only limit would be gas money.

This was gonna be great.

Noya watched the minute hand creep around the face of the clock with agonizing sluggishness. He stared at it, willing it with his mind to go faster, ignoring every word his teacher said. With each slowly-passing minute, he got closer to the edge of his seat. His heart was racing. He could barely sit still.

He treated the bell like a starter’s pistol. Seconds before it rang, he started to pick up his backpack and slide it over his shoulder. The muscles in his legs were tensed, ready to go, like springs. Now that his feet were pressed flat to the floor, he drummed his hands instead. He heard someone snickering from behind him, but he didn’t give a shit.

The bell finally rang and he was the first one out the door. His classroom was close to the front of the school, and he ran as fast as he could. He scanned the cars parked in the lot and spotted Saeko’s instantly. He sprinted over to it and looked in the window.

Saeko had her head down on the steering wheel and hidden in her arms. She wasn’t moving.

Noya twisted his mouth. She had to be tired. She was working two jobs right now, and also taking classes at the community college. A lot of the time these days, when she wasn’t doing homework, she was sleeping. Noya and Ryu had decided they would both get jobs too, as soon as they could.

Noya knew she was tired because of him. She’d been taking care of Ryu by herself for a few months by the time Noya barged in, and that had been hard enough.

He reached up and tapped on the window. Saeko’s head snapped up and she smiled at him. She unlocked the door and he opened it and got in.

“Hello, Yuu,” she said as he sat down. “How was your day?”

“ _Boring_ ,” Noya groaned. “Long. Torturous.”

“But did you learn anything?”

Noya made a fart noise with his mouth. “Not that I’m aware of,” he said.

Saeko sighed and shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said. “I didn’t learn shit till after I graduated anyway. Where’s Ryu at? Is he just being slow or did you teleport here as soon as the bell rang?”

“Little bit of both,” Noya shrugged.

“None of that excitement burned off today?”

“Nope,” he chirped.

“Of course not.”

She sat up and stretched, pressing her hands to the ceiling of the car. She groaned loudly as she took them down.

“It’s a good thing we’ll have another licensed driver on the way home,” she said. “Because I think I’m gonna pass out.”

“Do you have class tonight?” Noya asked, staring at his hands.

“Work,” she sighed. “I’ll be fine. I’ll get coffee on the way over.”

There was a tap on Noya’s window and he looked up to find Ryu standing outside, sticking his tongue out. Noya stuck his tongue out in reply and Ryu got into the back seat.

“All riiiiight,” Ryu said, slamming the door behind him. “Home time.”

“Not yet,” Noya reminded him. “First we gotta get me some wheels.”

“Well, no, same wheels,” Saeko laughed.

“Well yeah,” Noya said. “We gotta put me in charge of the wheels.”

He reached out in front of him and steered an imaginary wheel. His impression was complete with racecar noises. Saeko rolled her eyes.

“Remind me again why I think this is a good idea,” she said.

“You do?” Noya demanded.

“Not really.”

“C’mon, he’s a better driver than you are,” Ryu said. “You’ve said it yourself.”

“Sure,” she admitted, starting the car. “But _I’m_ the one who’s driving, you know? I know I know what I’m doing.”

Noya scoffed. “You think I don’t know what I’m doing?”

Saeko blew a raspberry. “That’s not really it either,” she said. She turned around in her seat to look behind her. “Whatever.”

“What are you even talking about,” Ryu said.

Noya caught his eye in the rear-view mirror and they made faces at each other.

Noya’s insides felt like jelly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so excited for something that he counted down the days. It had taken forever, but at last the day was here. He was sixteen years old and he was going to get his license. Finally.

It wasn’t a long drive to the DMV. Once they got to the parking lot, Noya popped out of the car before the tires stopped rolling. Saeko called out after him, but he just grinned over his shoulder as he hurried into the building.

The sooner he got this done, the better.

\- - -

About an hour later, a very triumphant Noya walked back out of the DMV, grinning with his whole face. He walked over to the car and stood by the driver-side door expectantly.

Saeko opened the door and turned sideways in her seat. Ryu leaned forward from the back.

“You get it?” Saeko asked.

“Yeah!” Noya beamed.

“Show us your picture,” Ryu said.

Noya proudly held up his card and showed it off. Ryu raised his eyebrows and Saeko laughed out loud.

“It looks like someone’s holding you up by your hair,” she said.

“It’s better than yours,” Noya retorted.

“I’ll admit the bar isn’t high,” Saeko said. “But really, Yuu, you’ve managed to slide right under it. What the shit is that face you’re making?”

Noya stuck his tongue out and put the card away. “Scoot over,” he said. “Lemme drive.”

Saeko puffed her cheeks out and reluctantly stepped out of the car, handing him the keys.

“Don’t kill us,” she said.

Noya gave an excited little hop before getting into the front seat. He kicked his feet impatiently while he waited for Saeko to get back in.

“You’re too small for this,” Saeko sighed. “Aren’t you like, ten?”

“I’m bigger than you are,” Noya pointed out, and started the car. “You can’t barely even see over the dashboard.”

Saeko stuck her tongue out at him.

“Hey,” Noya scolded. “No harassing the driver.”

Ryu cackled. Saeko crossed her arms.

“This is an awful idea,” she said, as Noya put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking space.

Noya grinned again. “This was the best idea,” he said.

\- - -

Noya got them home without killing or even injuring anyone or anything. He proudly pointed this out to his passengers as he parked the car in their driveway.

“There,” he chirped, hopping out of the car and putting his hands on his hips. “Made it, just fine.”

“Ryu,” Saeko asked. “How’d that measure up to my driving?”

Ryu leaned against the car and considered for a moment.

“Well, I only had one vision of my own death while you were driving,” he said. “It’s always at least three when it’s Saeko.”

Saeko snorted. She flicked the side of his head when he got close enough.

Noya tossed the keys back to Saeko, who caught them.

“Good job today, kiddo,” she said.

“Thanks!”

“I’ll make dinner for the two of you and then I gotta go. I’m gonna walk to work tonight.”

Ryu was at the front door already. He grabbed the doorknob, jiggled it, and then groaned in irritation.

“God, okay, calm down,” Saeko said, walking over. “Give me half a second, okay?”

Ryu leaned forward and backward, tugging on the door with all his weight. Saeko smacked his hand off the knob and unlocked it.

Noya smiled to himself and followed the two of them into the house.

He could barely sit still during dinner. He wanted to get behind the wheel again. The city roads they’d driven today hadn’t let them go nearly as fast as he wanted to. There were some roads just outside of town where the speed limit was sixty and the curves were like a roller coaster. He’d been out there a few times before, but always with Saeko – who, while not being the best adult supervision, was adult supervision nonetheless – so he hadn’t ever gone as fast as he wanted. But as soon as she was gone, that was where they would go.

He was giddy just thinking about it.

Saeko ate fairly quickly. She finished first, put her dishes in the sink, told Noya and Ryu not to go too wild while she was gone, and finally left for work.

Noya gave her a minute or two to get out of sight of the house, and then turned, eyes agleam, to Ryu.

Ryu was already grinning in anticipation.

“Let’s go,” they said in unison.

They threw their dishes into the sink and rushed out to the car. Noya grabbed the keys Saeko had left on the hook as they passed. Ryu got into the passenger seat and waited impatiently with his hand hovering over the radio. Noya started the car and Ryu immediately turned the radio on and up.

It was a song they both knew, and hadn’t heard in a while. They yelled with excitement as they recognized it, and started singing along at the top of their lungs.

Noya pulled out of the driveway and turned left, the opposite of the way Saeko would have gone. Ryu didn’t have to ask where they were going.

Noya nudged the speed limit all the way out of town. His foot itched on the gas pedal. He wanted to go faster.

The radio switched to a song they didn’t know. Ryu flipped through the channels until he found something familiar again, and they sang some more.

Two songs later, they were out of town. Noya leaned forward in his seat as they approached the speed limit sign.

Sixty. Noya grinned.

He gripped the steering wheel and pressed the pedal down. He laughed out loud as the car lurched forward. His heart rate sped up to match the music pounding out of the radio.

This was it. This was what he’d been waiting for.

He took the car through the curves easily, as if he’d done it a hundred times before. He and Ryu belted out every song that came on the radio, horribly off-key, dissolving into laughter between songs.

Noya wasn’t paying any attention to the speedometer. They’d passed sixty almost immediately. Seventy was approaching fast.

Noya had the feel of this road. He should have remembered the sharp turn, the recommended forty-mile-an-hour slowdown – and maybe he did, but it didn’t happen fast enough.

By the time they got to it, Noya had decided he could take it at seventy instead of thirty.

He was wrong.

Noya felt a split second of gut-wrenching, blinding fear as he slammed on the brakes, too late to stop, and then his head hit the steering wheel, and everything went black.

\- - -

It took effort to open his eyelids. They seemed to be stuck together.

His right leg hurt. Bad. He tried to move it but that made it worse. The more he woke up, the more he realized it wasn’t just his leg – though that seemed to be the worst part.

It was everything. Every part of his body was heavy with pain. His vision was still fuzzy. He didn’t know where he was. He couldn’t even think…

It hurt to breathe. Someone was talking – singing – somewhere in the distance. It was a song he knew. Who was singing it?

Oh. The radio was on. He should turn it off…

He tried to raise his hand, but it felt like something was weighing it down. He looked at his hand, and for a moment he couldn’t comprehend what he saw.

Several of his fingers were bent wrong. The back of his hand was a mottled mess of purple bruising, standing out starkly against the rest of his skin. He was shaking so much he could barely control himself.

Most jarring of all, though, was the dark stain dripping down his arm.

Noya closed his eyes and turned his head away, stomach turning.

It couldn’t be blood, right? It couldn’t be blood. There was too much of it for it to be blood. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. There was too much.

Things started to come back to him. He followed the line of his arm up to the radio, up to the windshield – which was broken, shattered, really, with tree branches sticking through. One of them had punched into the hood of the car. It was crumpled like a sheet of tissue paper, and steam or smoke or something was oozing out from underneath. There was something round and white – the airbag, said his muddled brain – in front of him. It was also smeared with something dark and sick, something that couldn’t be blood.

The car, Noya remembered. He was in the car. They’d been driving. He’d gone too fast. He’d gone way, way too fast.

Ryu. Ryu had been there. Ryu.

He tried to say it, but all that came out was a strangled whimper. He turned his head – it hurt, it hurt so much, but he could do it – and looked.

He wished he hadn’t.

Ryu was slumped over in his seat, head resting against the cracked window. There was blood running down his face – so much, way too much – and his eyes were closed.

There was blood down his neck. On his shirt. More was still dripping.

Noya’s stomach turned and he choked. He raised his busted arm again and reached for him.

“Ryu,” he croaked, his voice barely more than a breath. “Ryu…”

He couldn’t reach him. He didn’t know what he would do if he could. He wanted to shake his arm and wake him up, ask him if this was just an awful dream they were having.

Ryu didn’t move. He couldn’t hear Noya.

Noya let his hand fall – jolting fresh pain through his arm – and closed his eyes again. He started to cry and his rips seemed to tighten around his lungs. He tasted blood. He felt like throwing up.

Ryu was dead. Ryu was dead. Noya had killed him. It was Noya’s fault. Ryu was supposed to be alive but because of Noya he was dead and he would never come back.

Noya felt the world starting to fade out again. He was dying too. With all he had left, he moved his right hand and wrapped it around Ryu’s left, just barely within his reach.

He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t.

_Sorry, Ryu_ , he thought, as everything began to leave him again.

He had one more thought before he died.

_Sorry, Saeko,_ as the world was swallowed up.

_I’m so sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes! It's been a little while I know. I'm holding pretty steady at a chapter a month though... I should hopefully be able to keep that up. I've already started on the next chapter, so hopefully it won't take too long.
> 
> Sorry this one was so. Upsetting.
> 
> Leave a comment or a kudo if you want ~ you can also hit me up at i-homeostasis.tumblr.com, which is also where you'll find updates on this and other works of mine.
> 
> Thanks for all your support ~


	5. Come Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> man it's a good thing yall already know how everyone turns out

Noya woke up.

He didn’t realize it for a while. He stared at the flat white of the ceiling above him for a long time before he realized he was doing so.

He blinked. He continued staring, blankly, not a thought in his mind.

Noya had died. Everything had hurt too much for him not to have. There had been too much blood. He’d been so messed up that that just had to have been it for him.

But he was awake. There was a beeping off to his left that told him he was alive as well. Somehow.

His mouth still tasted like blood. He tried breathing through his nose, but the smell was there too. Everything hurt.

He heard something move off to his right. Footsteps. He thought he could hear someone quietly crying.

The footsteps stopped.

“Yuu,” Saeko’s tear-strangled voice wavered.

He tried to turn his head to look at her, but he couldn’t. As soon as she walked into view, as soon as he saw her face, his eyes filled with tears.

She was exhausted. She was terrified. Her hair was a mess. She was pale, she was shaking, she had bags under her eyes. She looked at him with such overwhelming emotion that he couldn’t stand to hold her gaze.

Noya’s face crumpled. He moved his arm to cover his eyes and found it in a cast up to his elbow.

“Yuu,” she sobbed. “You’re awake…”

Noya choked. Pain squeezed him.

Saeko tried to stop crying, but couldn’t. “Are you okay?” she asked. “Are you hurting at all? You need me to get anything? The nurse?”

Noya had to work for a moment to talk around the lump in his throat.

“I’m okay,” he managed. “It’s not… too bad.”

He heard her collapse onto a chair next to his bed.

His chest hurt, and not just from the broken bones.

He’d killed Ryu. It was coming back to him now. Ryu had been in the car too. He hadn’t woken up. There had been too much blood. He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t say Ryu’s name.

What he said instead was “I’m sorry.” He mumbled it into the plaster of his cast.

She didn’t hear him. “What?”

He didn’t repeat himself.

Saeko reached out and took his left hand, the one without the cast on it.

“You’re okay, buddy,” she said, through more tears. “You’re gonna be okay.”

She managed to stop crying after a little while. Noya waited, arm still hiding his face. She squeezed his hand.

“How long…” Noya began.

“Hmm?”

“How long have I… been in here?”

“...Two days,” she said. “You’ve been in and out of it. This is the first time you’ve really talked.”

He didn’t move. She had to be about to ask – to demand to know what exactly he’d been thinking, taking Ryu with him, driving that fast, being such a fucking idiot that her brother got killed.

He didn’t have an answer. He hadn’t been thinking.

He waited for her to scream at him, to cry and curse at him. It had to be any second now. _You killed my brother._

There was a knock on the door. A doctor or a nurse. They said something Noya couldn’t quite make out.

“Okay,” Saeko said quietly. She sniffed and squeezed Noya’s hand one more time. “Okay.”

Noya closed his eyes, braced himself.

But she didn’t say any of it.

She leaned over and kissed his forehead.

“I’ll let you rest, bud,” she said. “I gotta go.”

He heard her walk around the bed again, gathering up her things. Noya finally pulled his arm away from his eyes and watched her. Two days. She looked like she hadn’t slept the whole time

His fault.

She straightened up, eyes closed. She rubbed them with the back of her hand and sighed deeply. When she noticed him staring she gave him a big and clearly forced smile.

“Get lots of rest, buddy,” she said. “I’ll be back again as soon as they let me back in.”

He didn’t know what to say.

She took a deep breath, nodded, and smiled again. “You’ll be okay,” she said. “I promise.”

With that, she backed out of the room. He watched her go and then closed his eyes again. A nurse came in to check on him, asked him a few questions, checked his monitors and tubes, and then left him alone for a while.

Noya stared at the ceiling again, blankly.

She hadn’t said a word about Ryu. Of course she hadn’t. How would she be able to stand talking about him?

Noya closed his eyes and begged himself to fall asleep. He didn’t want to think anymore. If he went to sleep now, maybe he wouldn’t wake up. Maybe he’d dream he was dead and Ryu wasn’t and then when everyone else woke up the next day it would come true.

It would only be fair. Ryu shouldn’t be dead. Noya should. It was Noya’s fault. He’d been driving. He’d been going way too fast. He’d been the one to drive the car off the road.

Ryu shouldn’t have had to pay the price for that. Ryu shouldn’t have died. Ryu would have had twice the life that Noya ever could.

But, because of Noya, it would never happen.

He must have slept, because it didn’t seem to take long for the sun to rise, but he felt like he barely closed his eyes at all.

\- - -

Saeko came back later that next morning. She had a huge cup of coffee in her hand. She didn’t seem any less exhausted. Noya was awake when she got there. She smiled and him and sat down beside him.

“Hey, Yuu,” she said softly. She reached over and took his hand, rubbing it gently with her thumb. “How you feeling?”

“Fine,” Noya mumbled. He shifted his legs a bit. The right one was in a big cast, all the way up to his thigh. It hurt a lot – more than anything else. It was duller now, because of all the painkillers the doctors were giving him, but even so, he could feel it.

He must have made a face, because Saeko twisted her mouth in concern and squeezed his hand a little.

“Hey,” she said. “You okay?”

Noya just raised his eyebrows.

“Well… okay, yeah…”

She took a sip of coffee. “I’ve been… awake a long time,” she said. “I, um, well...”

She sighed and lowered her eyes. She rubbed Noya’s hand again.

“I’ve been with Ryu,” she said. “As much as they’ll let me.”

His eyes snapped onto hers.

“Ryu,” he croaked.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again.

“Yuu,” she said shakily. “He’s… he’s alive.”

Noya’s heart skipped.

“He’s alive,” Saeko repeated. “But he’s… not okay.”

Noya opened his mouth but no words came out. He felt his eyes start to sting.

Saeko leaned forward and gripped his hand, looking at him with resolved, tear-reddened eyes.

“Yuu, we’re gonna be okay,” she told him. “No matter what, I’m gonna make sure everything’s all right.”

“What’s… wrong with him?” Noya’s voice was thin. He could barely speak. “What’s… how bad…?”

“They wouldn’t even let me see him until yesterday,” she said. “He’s… really… he’s hurt pretty bad, buddy, I’m not gonna lie to you. He’s been… sleeping, ever since you two got here.”

Then, more quietly, eyes turned away from Noya’s, “He… hasn’t woken up yet.”

Noya felt hollow.

“…He’s gonna, right?” he wavered. “He has to…”

“Yeah,” she said – with another smile. “Yeah, he’ll… he’ll be fine.”

“Can I see him?”

“When you’re good to walk around again,” she said. “That’ll be a while, but –”

She cut herself off abruptly when Noya started crying.

“Hey,” she said quietly. “Hey…”

Noya turned his head to the side, away from her, burying his face in the pillow. He felt Saeko stroke his hear. It made everything worse. His chest hurt.

“He’ll be okay,” she murmured. “Everything’s gonna be okay, I promise, okay? I promise…”

She sat beside him and kept brushing his hair back from his eyes until he wore himself out. She didn’t say a word the whole time.

Noya wanted her to go away.

“I’m gonna go check on him, okay?” she whispered, after a while. “I’ll come back soon.”

She kissed the side of his head. He closed his eyes.

“I love you, buddy,” she said. And then she left.

Noya opened his eyes again and stared at the wall.

It had been three days. Ryu hadn’t even woken up. Three days since Noya had killed them both. Ryu was alive – or at least his heart was still beating. Assuming Saeko wasn’t lying to him.

Ryu still might not wake up. Noya could still have killed him.

He might still be dead.

\- - -

Saeko left Yuu’s room, walked about ten feet down the hallway, leaned against the wall, and covered her face with both hands. She was shaking all over and her stomach was in knots. She felt like crying but it didn’t seem like she could anymore. Her fingers were freezing. She rubbed them together to try and warm them up.

_They’re alive,_ she told herself. _They’re alive._

She tried not to think about how many tubes and wires Ryu had hooked up to him. She tried not to think about the fact that he’d lost enough blood to need a transfusion. She tried not to think about the last three people in her life that had had to go to the hospital.

Their dad, their mom, their grandma.

They hadn’t ever gotten to come home.

She chewed on her lip.

_They’ll come home,_ she thought. _They have to. They have to._

She should have told them not to take the car. She should have taken it herself. She could have prevented all this, so easily, but she hadn’t, and now bother her little brothers, the only family she had left…

She took a deep, shaky breath, doing her best to steady herself. It didn’t really work, but it was all she had.

_Yuu is going to be fine. Ryu…_

_…Ryu’s doctors are doing everything they can. They won’t let anything happen to him. They can’t…_

Saeko’s phone buzzed in her pocket. It startled her a little. She pulled it out.

She had a text from that guy from her biology class. Akiteru. He’d driven her here that first day, and he’d given her his number in case she needed anything.

She opened the text.

 

>> You at the hospital? You eaten yet?

 

She hadn’t. She hadn’t really been hungry these past few days. She was pretty sure she hadn’t eaten dinner last night either.

 

> 1\. yes 2. no but im fine

 

Sweet as it was for him to think of her, she wasn’t really up for dealing with him – or anyone else – today. She just wanted to go see Ryu, go back and check up on Yuu again, and then…

What?

She didn’t want to stay here. Every second she spent in this hospital made her feel worse. She wanted to go home. But home wasn’t right. The two biggest parts of ‘home’ were stuck here in the hospital.

Saeko wanted them back.

Her head hurt, just behind her eyes. She rubbed them hard with her palms and then held her hands a few inches from her face. Days-slept-in makeup was smudged there. She hadn’t been able to work up the energy to take it off.

“Okay,” she breathed. “Okay, Saeko, you can do this.”

She stood up, brushed her hair back from her face, tried to look brave, and walked downstairs to Ryu’s room.

There was a doctor and a nurse in there when Saeko arrived. They turned to look at her, and gave her those guarded smiles she was so used to.

Saeko leaned against the doorframe.

“Anything?” she asked.

“No,” the doctor replied. “I’m sorry.”

Saeko moved further into the room and stood by the foot of Ryu’s bed. She couldn’t get much closer than that.

It hurt to look at him. There was barely an inch of him that wasn’t cut up, broken, or bruised. The most jarring one – that she could see, anyway – was the huge, purple bruise covering his right eye. He apparently had a broken eye socket, which wasn’t something Saeko had even thought could happen.

They’d already told her he might not wake up.

It felt like they had to be lying. Beaten up as he was, all those machines were saying he was alive. His heart was still going, his brain was still working, his body was still healing – but somehow, Ryu might not still be there. All the right pieces were still there, except the most important one. The part that she most desperately wanted to be there.

The doctor left the room without another word. The nurse turned to Ryu’s monitors and started writing busily on her clipboard. Saeko had learned by now that asking them what they were doing did nothing but stress her out. She got as close as she could and sat down at his bedside.

She smiled at him, nearly unrecognizable under all the damage, and did her best to keep her mouth from trembling.

“Hey, buddy,” she croaked. “It’s me again.”

He didn’t react. The nurse angled herself away, giving Saeko all the privacy she could.

Saeko looked away from him, out the window. Her throat hurt.

“I know you like to sleep in on weekends,” she murmured. “But this… this is ridiculous.”

She picked her smile up again. It had been slipping. She tossed her hair. She crossed her arms.

“You gotta get up sometime,” she said. “Lazybones.”

Silence except for the beeping of the machines and the scratching of the nurse’s pen.

“Seriously… please?”

Her voice cracked. She covered her mouth with her hand.

She couldn’t speak anymore, not without crying, not in front of the nurse.

_You gotta wake up, Ryu,_ she thought. _You can’t go too. I told everyone I’d take care of you._ _I promised mom and dad and grandma that I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you._

_I need you to be okay. I don’t know what I’m gonna do if you aren’t. What’s Yuu gonna do?_

_He won’t be able to take it. I won’t be able to take it. I can’t. I can’t do this…_

_If you go too…_

She shouldn’t cry again. She couldn’t. If she did, she’d never be able to stop. She took a moment to wrestle it all back down.

_Please, kiddo. Please. I know I wasn’t always the best at my job, but… you’ll stay, won’t you? You’ll come back, won’t you?_

What was she supposed to do? What _could_ she do? There had to be something she could do. She had to be able to fix this. She’d never been this lost. She’d never had nowhere to turn before. There had always been someone else, someone older, who could figure everything out, tell her what to do, help her.

But not now. Now that she was down to nothing, down to the very edge of her capacity to handle everything, she had nobody. It was all her.

She’d promised. Her mom, her dad, her grandma, the boys… herself. That nothing would go wrong. That everything would be okay.

She should have been able to stop this.

\- - -

They let Noya leave his hospital bed the same day Ryu woke up.

Noya had woken up when the doctor came in that morning, taken some pills from them, fallen asleep again, and then woken up again when Saeko burst into the room.

“Yuu,” she gasped, rushing to his side and grabbing his hand.

He braced himself for the worst.

“He’s awake,” Saeko said. “He’s awake.”

Noya blinked.

Saeko was crying, but she smiled at him through it.

“He’s awake,” she repeated. “Yuu – Ryu’s awake!”

“…He is?” Noya wavered.

She nodded, breathless. “He woke up this morning. He’s not a hundred percent yet, of course, but he’ll be okay. He’s going to be okay, Yuu – he’s gonna be fine!”

Noya stared at her, dumbstruck, mouth hanging open.

His vision blurred. He blinked and tears spilled down his cheeks.

“Buddy,” she said. She kissed his forehead. “He’s okay, he’s okay.”

Noya rubbed his eyes. He couldn’t speak for another moment or two. Saeko waited for him.

“Can I… can I see him?” he asked. “Will they let me?”

“I’ll see. I’ll make them let you,” she said. She squeezed his hand and set it down again. One more huge, overwhelmed grin on her way out the door, and then she was gone.

Noya sat up – he could sit up now, he could eat a little more, the pain was a little better, not too bad, no more wires – and dropped his head into his cast-free hand.

He let out a single sob before he could stop himself. He clenched his fist and ground it against his forehead. He scrubbed away the tears.

Everything turned out okay. Ryu’s okay. Saeko’s okay.

_Ryu’s awake._

Noya managed to get himself under control by the time Saeko got back. Maybe his eyes were red. She wouldn’t notice.

She walked back into the room with a doctor and a wheelchair. The doctor helped him into the chair, told him not to put any weight on his leg, and to get in bed fairly soon. She let Saeko take him from there.

Saeko wheeled Noya into the elevator and pressed a button. Neither of them said anything until the doors slid closed. Saeko broke the silence.

“He’s awake,” she said. “But like I said, he… isn’t all the way back yet.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

She took a deep breath.

“Well, we’re… not really sure how much damage there is just yet,” she said. “He’s definitely awake. He reacts to everything they give him.”

“So…”

“He’s… having a hard time talking, mostly, is what you’re gonna notice,” she said.

Noya’s heart skipped.

“He’s probably gonna take a while to get walking and moving around, too,” she said. “They tell me it takes a while for this stuff to get going again, after something… like this.”

Noya swallowed. He stared at his hands.

_I’m sorry._

He thought it, but in that moment, couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“He’s just having trouble, is all,” she went on. “He’s been sleeping for four days. Everything’s a bit overwhelming for him. We’ll all help him out, though, once we get him home.”

Noya felt her kiss the top of his head.

“It’s like I said,” she reassured him. “Everything’s gonna turn out just fine.”

The elevator stopped and the door opened again. Saeko wheeled him out into the hallway. Noya’s hands were freezing and his heart was racing. This floor was too quietly. There was hardly anyone around. It filled Noya up with dread. He couldn’t help but be completely certain that something was terribly wrong. He didn’t want to be here.

“Don’t talk too loud to him,” Saeko said.

Noya couldn’t talk above a whisper if he tried.

She wheeled him to a door toward the end of the hall and knocked on the frame.

“Ryu,” she called gently. “Yuu’s here, buddy.”

Noya held his breath as Saeko pushed him around the corner.

He didn’t know what he was expecting to find in there, but he could not have prepared himself for it.

Somehow, Ryu looked worse than he had when they’d been in the car.

The blood was gone, cleaned away, but the bruising was awful. Bandages wound around his head and his arms. He had casts on his arms as well – one to the mid-forearm, the other past the elbow.

It took him a moment to find Ryu’s eyes, hidden under all the bruises. One of them was swollen nearly shut.

Noya couldn’t look for long.

“Hey, Ryu,” he croaked, staring at Ryu’s chest.

Ryu frowned a little, like he had a headache.

“You feeling okay, bud?” Saeko asked.

He didn’t move.

Noya didn’t want to be here. He felt like he was going to throw up. His hands were shaking on the arms of his wheelchair. He stared at the floor.

Saeko sighed. “We’ll leave you alone, Ryu,” she breathed. “Focus on getting better. We need you back home as soon as you can get out of here.”

She started to pull Noya back.

And Ryu spoke.

His voice was so raspy and quiet and painful that Noya could barely hear him, but at that moment it was the loudest thing in the world to him.

“Yuu?” Ryu croaked. “You’re…”

Noya stared at him, heart pounding, mouth dry.

“…Okay,” Ryu finished. Noya could see tears glimmering in his eyes, could see his lower lip wobbling. “You’re okay…”

Noya forced a smile for him.

“Yeah,” he wavered. “And you are too.”

Saeko walked around Noya’s chair and knelt at her brother’s bedside. She hovered her hand over his for a moment, then dropped it back to her side. She gave Ryu a smile.

“Saeko,” Ryu said. His eyebrows drew close together. “Sorry… Sorry…”

“No, no, buddy – no, don’t…” Saeko shook her head. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. It’s not your fault.”

_It’s mine,_ Noya thought. _It’s mine._

“The car,” Ryu said.

“No, no, don’t worry about the car,” Saeko said. “We can get a new car. I can’t get a new you. I’m worried about _you._ ”

She looked meaningfully at Noya. Her eyes were full of tears again.

“Both of you,” she said. “Don’t either of you worry about anything except for healing up, okay?”

Noya nodded, then looked away.

He’d ruined everything. Saeko knew that. Of course she knew. She should blame him. He wished she wouldn’t make this any easier.

Saeko stood up after a moment and looked over at Noya again. She smiled when she caught his eye. He couldn’t bring himself to smile back.

“We’ll leave you alone for a bit, okay, Ryu?” she said. “Yuu’s gotta go lie down again.”

“Kay,” Ryu said. “Get better.”

“Yeah,” Noya replied. “You too.”

Saeko bent one more time to kiss Ryu lightly on the least-damaged part of his forehead, and then she walked behind Noya’s chair again and pulled him out of the room.

“You okay?” Saeko asked him, quietly, once they were back in the elevator. “I know that must have been hard, seeing him like that.”

Noya didn’t say anything.

“He’ll be okay,” she said. “It’ll take a while, and he’ll probably be here a lot longer than you, but he’ll get out before long and everything will be normal again.”

Both of them were quiet as the elevator rose and stopped. Saeko wordlessly took Noya back into his room and helped him into his bed. She hovered near him for a little while. He stared at the opposite wall.

“You want me to leave you alone for a little bit?” she asked gently.

Noya nodded.

“Okay,” Saeko said. “I’ll, uh, go get something to eat, and come back. I’ll be… an hour? Is that okay? Call the nurse if you need anything.”

Noya didn’t move. She waited a bit and then finally left. Once he could no longer hear her moving away, he covered his face with his hands.

Hurt like that – battered and cut up and bruised almost beyond recognition, barely conscious, barely able to even speak, just barely back from the brink of death – and Ryu was worried about _him._

Noya’s eyes burned.

\- - -

They let Noya out of the hospital about a week later, right arm and leg in casts, rental wheelchair and crutches in two. He wouldn’t be able to walk for a month, maybe two. A bad break, but a relatively clean one; he hadn’t needed surgery. It shouldn’t hurt anymore, but it did. A lot. The doctor wrote him a prescription for painkillers. One when it hurts, no more than four a day. It shouldn’t be a problem for much longer. But it was.

Saeko looked just as exhausted that morning as she had every morning since Noya had gotten to the hospital. Dark bags under her eyes and a cup of coffee in one hand had become almost a normal part of her appearance.

She smiled widely at Noya as the nurse wheeled him into the lobby.

“Ready to get out of here, bud?” she asked, leaning down to give him a hug.

He hugged her back, but didn’t say anything. She straightened up, had a brief conversation with the nurse, and then she took Noya out of the lobby and loaded him into a car. The car was borrowed from a classmate of Saeko’s. Noya stared out the window all the way home, not saying a word to Saeko, not even when she asked him a question. Eventually, she stopped trying and turned on the radio. Every time the song changed Noya was afraid it would play one of the songs from that day. It didn’t.

Saeko parked the car in the driveway, got out, and hauled Noya out too. He shook her off and picked up the crutches, despite her protests, and walked himself to the door. Saeko unlocked it and let them in.

Noya tried to head straight for his room, but Saeko took his arm, gently preventing him. He looked over his shoulder at her, but couldn’t meet her eyes.

“Stay out here for a second?” she breathed.

He considered saying no – shrugging her off again, hiding away in his room, never coming out – but he didn’t. He let her lead him to the living room and sat down next to her on the couch. He stacked the crutches beside him and he’d barely started to turn back around when she threw her arms around his shoulders.

Noya bowed his head. He rested his hands on either side of his legs.

“I love you,” Saeko said, her voice muffled. “I love you, Yuu.”

She started crying. It made Noya’s chest ache.

She said it over and over and over. He wished she would stop – that she would realize it was all his fault, tell him to leave. He’d never felt like he belonged in this house, not really – and now, more than ever, he was aware of how undeserving he was.

Saeko eventually let him go. She dried her eyes and smiled at him.

“You’re probably tired, huh?” she asked. “Go lie down. I’ll quit bugging you.”

Noya nodded, still wordlessly, and stood up. He hobbled his way into the hall, past Saeko’s and Ryu’s bedrooms and into his own. He closed the door behind him and stood just in front of it for a little while.

He felt wrong staying here. This room had belonged to Saeko and Ryu’s grandmother before he moved in. She had only died about three months previously. Noya had slept a few nights in Ryu’s room, until Saeko had had the time to clear out the newly-unoccupied one. He had come home one day to find her putting all of her grandmother’s stuff into boxes.

He’d apologized for the trouble, but she’d just smiled.

“I was gonna have to do this eventually, anyway,” she’d said.

It would have been hard for Noya’s timing to have been worse.

He made his way over to the bed and sat down. There was a deafening silence coming through the wall from Ryu’s room.

Saeko was only half right. He would be back, and hopefully soon. But things wouldn’t go back to normal.

After this, they just couldn’t.


	6. Broken & Sober

_Two months later_

 

Daichi couldn’t get Noya to stop showing up for volleyball practice.

It seemed okay for a while. Noya would sit on the sidelines and watch, and the coach would let him. It made sense to Daichi; even if he wouldn’t be able to play for a while, he should keep up with what the team was doing so he wouldn’t be completely lost when he came back.

Daichi joined on him on the bench during break sometimes, to check on him. Noya never had very much to say. He kept his eyes on the team, hunched forward, bad leg stretched out in front of him and bad arm resting motionless across his lap.

Motionless except for shaking, which Noya did a lot of now. He wanted to play. Anyone could see that. He’d always been the most energetic guy out there. Him and Tanaka. The gaping hole in their team was plainly obvious.

Tanaka wouldn’t be coming back. Everyone knew that. After he found out what had happened, Daichi was glad to know he was even alive. He figured that Noya wouldn’t be able to come back either – messing up his leg that bad couldn’t be good news for his volleyball career – but Noya didn’t seem to think so.

As soon as he was put into a walking cast, he asked to be put back on the court.

Daichi, the team captain, and the coach all stared at him for a very long few seconds when he made this request. Daichi looked up at the coach; he was shaking his head slowly, mouth slightly open.

“Kid,” the coach finally said. “You’re in a cast. Your arm’s in a sling.”

“I don’t barely need the sling anymore,” Noya grumbled. “And I’m the libero. I don’t gotta jump at all.”

“Nishinoya, I don’t mind you coming to practice to watch, but until I see a doctor’s note telling me you’re good to go, you’re staying on that bench.”

Noya had looked, for a moment, like he was going to fight back. He frowned hard, opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything. He flexed his hand.

“Fine,” he grumbled. He turned and walked back over to the bench.

“God,” the coach breathed, shaking his head. “Poor kid.”

\- - -

School let out for winter break. When everyone came back, Noya returned to volleyball practice, walking cast gone, a very pronounced limp in its place. Tanaka came back to school, but never to practice. Daichi didn’t see him much, but from what he heard, he still seemed to be in bad shape.

If Noya had no hope of playing volleyball again, Tanaka surely didn’t either. No wonder he never came by.

A few days after school started back up, Daichi joined Noya on the bench again.

“Hey, Noya,” he said, giving him a smile.

Noya greeted him with much less than his usual enthusiasm. He spared Daichi little more than a glance away from the court as he sat down. At least he was talking now.

“How’ve you been?” Daichi asked.

Noya shrugged. He watched the team move into warmups.

“All right,” he replied.

“How was your break?”

“Too short.”

Here Noya stretched out his leg, grimacing. Daichi eyed it. The leg didn’t look like there was anything wrong with it, but for Noya to even acknowledge that it was hurting, there had to be something _very_ wrong with it. Noya rubbed his shin bone for a moment, and then straightened back up.

“When bones break, they’re stronger after they heal up,” he said. “Ryu and I’ll be back in no time.”

Daichi’s heart sank a little.

“Yeah,” was all he could think to say. “Yeah, that’ll be great.”

Coach blew his whistle. Daichi stood up, looking down at Noya one last time.

He was already leaned forward, on the edge of his seat, resting his head on his hands. He was focused on their teammates, frowning slightly. It was like Daichi hadn’t even come near him.

“Talk to you later, Noya,” Daichi said, before turning around and hurrying to join the team.

\- - -

Saeko was out of it for a long time. She got through those couple months – she wasn’t sure how, but she did it. School was completely out of the question, right off the bat. She’d dropped out of her courses at the community college as soon as Yuu checked out of the hospital. She didn’t have the time or the money or the energy for it. It was fine. She could go back to school later on, and her boys needed her now.

She’d hoped that going back to school would mean she could get a job better than retail, and that she might be able to give Yuu and Ryu a good life. It would have to wait.

Yuu went back to school first. Ryu was confined to his bed for a while after he was released, and Saeko spent her days looking after him – making sure he ate, giving him his medication, helping him bathe every few days. He couldn’t walk much right away, which scared her, but the doctors reassured her that he would improve. And he did, slowly, until he was in good enough shape to go back to school – heavily supervised, of course.

Saeko couldn’t remember those first few weeks very well. Without work, her days revolved around Ryu. She would lose track of time and spend hours just staring into space or pacing around the house.

She started seeing less of Yuu. At first, she thought it was because she was putting in a lot less effort to talk to him than she used to – and she was, she was, she knew it and she hated herself for it – but even going out of her way to try and talk to him didn’t do anything. He was shutting her out, barely even humoring her with a ‘fine’ or a shrug when she asked him how he was feeling.

She didn’t blame him. She just wished she could help.

It wasn’t just her imagination. He started spending less time at home. Eventually she realized he was still going to volleyball practice, even thought the doctors wouldn’t let him play with that leg. He seemed hopeful. She didn’t have the heart to take it from him.

Things weren’t great, but they were working. Mostly. She had enough money saved that they could eat and pay the bills just fine… for a while. Ryu and Yuu both started feeling better after a while – or at least acting better – once they were back in school. They talked to her, they’d laugh, she managed to get him to sit at the table for dinner most days. She got to see him smile again, and she almost tricked herself into thinking that meant things were okay.

But one night, things fell right back apart.

She didn’t know what caused it. They never fully figured it out.

Whatever the cause, one second Ryu was sitting up at the dinner table, almost his normal cheerful self, and the next he was on the ground, twitching and thrashing and dazed.

Saeko nearly knocked over the table in her haste to kneel down beside him. She was panicking, crying, uselessly attempting to somehow calm him down.

She couldn’t do anything. The seizure passed on its own, after what seemed like hours but which turned out to be under a minute.

She grabbed Ryu’s hand and he curled up close to her, crying as well.

She looked up at Yuu, intending to say something to make all of it go away, but she couldn’t think of anything. Yuu was on his feet, hands tense and shaking. His face was ashy. He looked about ready to fall over.

Saeko tore her eyes away from her brother.

“Yuu,” she said. “Stay with him, okay? Keep him calm. I’m calling 911.”

Yuu’s shaky legs nearly gave out as he sat down. Saeko helped steady him.

This was bad. This was really, really bad.

Saeko took a deep breath. She was an adult. She had to keep her head clear. Her boys needed her. She couldn’t let them down.

She called 911. They sent an ambulance. She called Akiteru and he drove over and took her and Yuu to the hospital a few minutes behind. Yuu didn’t say a single word the whole way, and the color didn’t come back to his face. Saeko only talked in order to tell him everything was going to be okay. He didn’t even seem to hear her. He stared blankly at the back of the seat in front of him. He looked so pale that Saeko thought he might faint.

She had Akiteru stay with him while she went into the hospital to find out how Ryu was. They let her go right into his room. He was fine by the time he’d arrived. He was awake, sitting up, and scared.

She threw her arms around him, sobbing. He was crying too, shaking like crazy against her.

Epilepsy, stemming from brain trauma. They told her what to do if it happened again, set up an appointment with a specialist for a few weeks later, wrote Ryu a prescription, and sent him home the next morning. It didn’t seem like enough. Could he really, _really_ be okay with just that?

She kept him home from school for a few days afterwards. He didn’t put up much of a fight. HE slept a lot. That scared her. He and Yuu used to stay up late every night, playing video games or watching TV until she yelled at them to go to sleep. Now Ryu – _if_ he got out of bed – went to sleep right after dinner. Yuu spent a lot more time out of the house than he used to. He barely talked to Saeko now, no matter how hard she tried.

She was losing them both, and there didn’t seem to be anything she could do about it.

\- - -

Eventually, Noya stopped coming to practice. Daichi was actually pretty relieved. He never seemed happy on the sidelines. It freaked Daichi out.

The team adjusted to Noya’s and Tanaka’s absences as best they could. Their replacements certainly weren’t them, but they did just fine. Noya was the last thing on Daichi’s mind most of the time.

Until one day, when Kiyoko came up to him after practice and asked to talk to him alone.

“Sure,” Daichi replied. “What’s up?”

Kiyoko looked pointedly at the rest of the team, standing quite close by. She turned around and led him off to the side of the gym.

“Yui is looking for you,” Kiyoko said. “She wants to talk to you about Noya.”

“Noya?”

“Yeah,” Kiyoko said. She lowered her eyes. “I think he… well, he was dating one of the girls on her team. She didn’t tell me, but I think that has something to do with it.”

Daichi frowned. “That’s no good,” he said. “Yeah. I’ll talk to her. Did she say when?”

“After she gets out of practice,” Kiyoko replied. “She said to meet her by the flagpole out front.”

“Okay. Thanks, Kiyoko.”

She nodded. The two of them walked back to rejoin the team.

Daichi changed back into street clothes and hurried out to the flagpole. Yui was already there when he arrived. She waved him over, looking stressed.

“Hey,” he called out as he approached her. “What’s up?”

Yui twisted her mouth. She crossed her arms over her chest and rocked back and forth.

“What?” he asked.

She sighed deeply.

“So,” she said. “Noya.”

“What about him?”

“You know how he was dating Mao?” she asked.

“Was,” Daichi repeated. Yui nodded and his heart sank.

“Was,” Yui said. “She just caught him this morning kissing another girl behind the gym. And…”

She bit her lip, leaned in closer, and lowered her voice. “I even heard… he and that other girl… that they slept together.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Now, hey, I’m not sure, it’s just something I heard,” she said hastily, putting up her hands. “But I… have heard it from a lot of people, so…”

Daichi ran a hand over his face. “Is Mao okay?” he asked.

“I mean, no, not really,” Yui said, rubbing her eyes. “She’s with Ayumi and Asako right now, so they’re taking care of her. She’ll _be_ okay, but…”

“And you want me to talk to Noya,” Daichi guessed.

“I don’t know how to make him listen,” she said. “There’s no way he’d listen to me. You’d be able to get through to him better than me.”

They stared at each other in silence for a moment.

“Shit,” Daichi breathed.

“No kidding.” Yui leaned against the half-wall surrounding the flagpole. She frowned at Daichi, all business. “Give him hell for me, will you? Nobody cheats on one of my girls and gets away with it.”

“’Course,” Daichi said. He leaned beside her and shoved his hands into his pockets. “God, he slept with her?”

Yui threw her hands into the air. “I guess!” she said. “God, I knew he was an idiot, but I thought he was smarter than that, you know?”

“Coulda sworn he was.”

They sat there for a little while longer. Yui dug at the concrete with the toe of her shoe.

“Yeah,” Daichi said, pushing off from the wall. “I’ll talk to him first thing tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“No problem,” he sighed.

She hopped up, gave him a quick hug, and then they said goodbye and left.

Daichi didn’t know Noya very well. They didn’t talk much; they weren’t close. But he’d really thought Noya was a better person than this. Not he smartest, sure, kind of an idiot when it came to girls. But this was something else entirely. Noya was completely off the rails at this point, and now he was hurting other people as well. This didn’t seem to be like him at all.

But, apparently, this was like him.

Daichi gritted his teeth as anger flared up in his stomach. He tried his best to put it out of his mind as he walked home.

Before long, though, Noya was going to be on Daichi’s mind more often than not.

\- - -

Daichi caught Noya the next morning, just before practice, and pulled him aside.

“Can I talk to you real quick?” he asked.

Noya looked at him blankly. He shrugged instead of replying.

He didn’t look right. There was something off behind his eyes. Daichi didn’t want to look at them for too long.

He nodded and led Noya a bit away from the crowd of their teammates. He leaned against the wall of the gym building and crossed his arms.

“So,” he said. “I heard you and Mao broke up.”

Noya rolled his eyes and leaned back. “Yeah,” he said. “So?”

“I heard you cheated on her,” Daichi added.

“It’s none of your business,” Noya shot back.

“You really hurt her, you know that?” Daichi said, frowning hard. “She really cared about you.”

Noya’s brows pulled together in a deep frown. He took a step back from Daichi.

“Why do you even care?” he asked.

“Because you were an asshole to a friend of mine,” Daichi replied. “And I don’t want you to do it to anyone else again.”

Noya snorted. “Noted,” he said, and started to turn away.

“Hey,” Daichi called out, reaching for Noya’s arm. “Listen –”

He’d intended to pull him to a stop, tell him to stay away from Mao, tell him never to even look at her again, but before he could get a single word out – as soon as his hand closed around Noya’s upper arm – Noya was wheeling around to face him, the other fist cocked high.

Daichi was more surprised than hurt by the stinging punch. He let go of Noya and reeled backwards, mouth hanging open, hand flying up to his cheek.

Noya glowered over at him, almost snarling. He lowered his fist.

“Leave me alone,” he growled, and turned to leave.

Daichi watched, stunned, as the coach ran up to Noya and grabbed him by the arm. Noya tried to shake him off, but couldn’t. Coach said something to Noya in a low voice and then looked up at Daichi.

“Sawamura,” he called. “Wait for me in my office, will you?”

Daichi nodded and watched as the coach dragged Noya off to the principal’s office. He rubbed the place where Noya had punched him.

Something was very, very wrong here.

\- - -

Saeko walked into the principal’s office, feeling light-headed.

Yuu was seated in a plastic chair in front of the principal’s desk. The principal looked up at Saeko as she walked in and gestured for her to sit down beside him. She tried to catch Yuu’s eye as she did so, but he had his eyes glued to the floor. She pressed her lips together and looked to the principal instead.

“Miss Tanaka,” the principal said. “Thank you for coming.”

Saeko nodded. “Of course,” she replied. “What’s… what happened?”

They hadn’t told her much on the phone. Just that Yuu had been called to the office and that she needed to come get him. She’d had to leave Ryu at home alone. She’d left him a note on his bedside table for him in case he woke up while she was gone, but she was still worried. He’d felt too dizzy to go to school this morning. She didn’t want to leave him alone for long.

Yuu shifted in his seat and turned his head away from her. She bit her lip.

The principal sighed.

“Yuu was in a fight with another student this morning,” she said.

Saeko’s mouth fell open. She shot a glance over at him, but he wasn’t looking. Of course. She looked back to the principal, who leaned forward in her chair.

“I understand it’s been a difficult time for your family,” she said quietly. “You’re the sole guardian for Yuu and your brother, am I correct?”

Saeko nodded.

“I understand you’re all under a lot of stress at the moment,” the principal went on, “but getting in a physical fight is grounds for suspension.”

Saeko covered her face with her hands.

“It would only be for the rest of today and all of tomorrow,” she said. “I can arrange for Yuu to have a few meetings with the school psychologist, to help him through all this.”

Saeko nodded. “Thank you,” she said. “That would be great. Thank you.”

She looked sideways at Yuu again, but he still wouldn’t look her way.

“Thank you again for coming in today,” the principal said. “I understand you’re busy.”

“No problem,” Saeko wavered.

She and the principal rose from their seats and shook hands. Yuu stood up and waited, hands in pockets, behind his chair.

“Have a good day,” the principal called after them as they left the office.

Saeko returned the sentiment in the steadiest voice she could manage and led the way out the door.

Saeko couldn’t say a word during the car ride home. Yuu wasn’t exactly forthcoming; he spent the whole trip staring out the window in silence.

She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what she wanted to do more – yell at him or cry. She didn’t have yelling in her at the moment, though. Mostly she wanted to hug him, and take away all the bad things he was feeling.

She wanted her little brother back.

Sure, Yuu was rowdy. A little hot-headed, a little bit of a handful, but… she’d never, not in a million years, think he would actually physically fight somebody.

She parked the car in the driveway. Yuu got out right away and skulked toward the house. She started to call out to him, but he was inside before she could.

The new limp in his walk was very pronounced when he walked so fast.

She shut the car door and hurried into the house after him. He was almost to his room when she entered the kitchen.

“Yuu,” she called out. “Hold on. Let me talk to you a second.”

He stopped and leaned on the wall. He didn’t turn around.

She took a deep breath. “Please,” she added. “I’ll let you go in five minutes. Just please talk to me.”

She heard him exhale sharply. He looked at the floor and stood up straight. He slowly turned around to face her, but wouldn’t meet her eyes.

Saeko walked to the couch and sat down. He did the same, but perched himself on the arm of the couch, as far from her as possible. He kept his back to her.

She twisted her mouth.

“Yuu,” she said. “Talk to me.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Why’d you get in a fight?” she demanded. “That’s not like you.”

He shifted in his seat and picked at a loose thread on his sleeve. He acted like he hadn’t heard her, like she wasn’t even there.

Anger flared up in her chest. She stood up, clenched her fists, and shouted at the back of his head.

“What is even going on with you?” she demanded. “You _never_ used to get into fights! You never got that angry with people! I’m…”

She faltered. Tears were starting to creep in again. She did her best to keep them back, but it didn’t work.

“I’m scared, Yuu,” she wavered. “You’re really, really scaring me.”

She didn’t know what else she could say. She bit her lip and waited She hoped she hadn’t woken Ryu. He needed rest…

They were both silent for a full, tense minute. And then finally, Yuu spoke.

“It wasn’t really a fight even,” he said. “The guy just got up in my face. Wouldn’t leave me alone.”

Saeko breathed.

“So you punched him?” she asked. “Who even was it?”

He shrugged. “Some guy. I don’t know.”

She wasn’t getting through to him. He wasn’t being honest with her. She didn’t know what to do.

He stood up. “Can I go now?”

“You’ll meet with the school psychologist,” she said. “Won’t you?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said dismissively.

“They’ll tell you when. Make sure you go.”

He nodded again and then left the room.

Saeko watched him go and sank back onto the couch. She felt shaky, all over. She covered her face with her hands and tried not to cry.

It didn’t work.

\- - -

He came home later and later as time went on. At first, it was only an hour or so after school let out. That was while he still went to his appointments with the psychologist, like he was supposed to. But that only lasted a few days – not even a week. At the end of that week, she got a call from the school telling her that Yuu had missed two of his appointments out of the last four.

She called him, never got a response, stayed up waiting for him every night he was out late, demanded to know where he’d been… and he stared right through her when she spoke to him. When she yelled, he yelled back. A few times – and then more and more – she could swear she smelled alcohol on his breath.

She started working a second job as soon as Ryu was steadily back in school. She was barely home.

Maybe this was all her fault. All of it, from the start.

Maybe if she’d been around more, if she’d taken the car to school that night, that awful night… Ryu wouldn’t… Yuu wouldn’t…

As much as she tried to get herself to believe it wasn’t, it was hard not to think of it that way.


	7. The Life

_Three years later_

 

Noya took a deep breath and looked down at the water.

It looked wild. Gray, choppy, and cold. Noya shivered in his too-thin jacket. He’d bought this one just before his last big growth spurt a year ago. The cuffs of the sleeves were pulled a full inch up past his wrists.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. He let it sit. Just one ring. Just a text. It could wait.

He couldn’t take his eyes off the water. The way the river pushed it along, forcing it up against the rocks under the bridge, made him feel tiny.

He reached forward and leaned on the railing. He gripped it hard and rubbed it with his thumbs. It was freezing, and chilled him to the bone in just a few seconds. His breath drifted away from his mouth in clouds. His right leg, throughout the entire shin, hurt like hell. It did that when it got cold out, it seemed. This was the fourth winter since he’d messed it up. There wasn’t anything wrong with it – it had healed up as best it could – but it still hurt. A lot.

He stared out over the water for another minute or so before he remembered the text. With cold-stiffened fingers, he unlocked his phone and opened it. It was from Ryu.

 

>> Where u at? The van’s gonna be here in a bit

 

Noya turned his back on the water before replying.

 

> takin a walk. Heading back now

 

Noya frowned slightly as he put his phone back in his pocket.

Ryu. He’d recovered better over the years than any of them, doctors included, could have hoped. He would never be good as new, but he’d bounced back incredibly well from all he’d been through.

From all Noya had put him through.

That was one thing he wasn’t going to let go. It was his fault. He’d never said it to Ryu or Saeko – they’d just tell him it wasn’t. Back in high school, he’d let slip to the school psychologist that he felt that way, and she had insisted that he talk to them about it and get closure.

That was when he’d stopped going to his appointments. He couldn’t be blameless in this. It just didn’t make sense.

Noya shook his head and grabbed the bridge’s railing again. The sudden cold grounded him again.

They were moving out today. He couldn’t start this now. It had taken a long time and a lot of hard work and a lot of help and a lot of luck in order to get to this point. This was a big day. He couldn’t let them get caught up in his problems.

Set it aside. Save it. Later, if at all.

He turned around to take one last look at the water. Then he let go of the railing and walked away.

The wind cut right through him. He shivered again.

He’d be glad to leave this town behind. They were basically only moving half a city over – and it was a city he’d spent a lot of time in – but all the same, it would be different. They’d be moving to a house that was roughly the same size as their current one, which was fine. Noya had somehow landed a job at the local paper that would just about pay rent on the new place all on its own. Saeko was planning on keeping one of her two jobs for now, until she could find something better.

Daichi had actually helped Noya get his new job, surprisingly. Noya couldn’t believe that Daichi would ever want to have anything to do with him after how he’d been in high school, but apparently he did. He’d showed up to Noya’s and Ryu’s graduation with his new boyfriend – just to check up on them, apparently. And this boyfriend had a friend who worked at the newspaper, and offered to help him get his foot in the door. Noya still couldn’t believe it had happened. He’d done nothing to deserve it. He’d wanted to shoot them down, but he knew Saeko could use the help.

It wasn’t hard work. The pay was good. He mostly covered sports games at the university – football, basketball, soccer, the usuals, depending on the season. The only ones Noya refused to do were volleyball games. The other photographer took those.

He just couldn’t watch it anymore. Spectating drove him crazy.

Noya stepped off the bridge and walked along the road. He would probably never walk through this part of town again. That was just fine with him. There was too much here.

It was only about a five-minute walk back home. Saeko was standing on the porch when he got there. She raised a hand to wave at him, beaming.

He grinned and waved back.

“There you are,” she said. “We were about to leave without you.”

He stuck his tongue out at her. “The van’s not here yet. Were you gonna pile all your stuff up on your back and carry it?”

“Thinkin’ about it,” she retorted. “You got all your stuff moved out of your room?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Good. Can you go see if Ryu needs help? I gotta wait here for the van.”

He nodded and walked past her into the house.

As happy as he was to be leaving, it was unsettling to see the house in boxes like this. He’d never meant to stay so long. He’d never known where else he would go or how he would get there, but during his time living with the Tanakas, he’d had this constant feeling that he was outstaying his welcome. They’d never said it, but they wouldn’t. Noya had meant for this to be temporary, but now all his stuff was packed away to be piled into the same van as all of theirs.

Noya hadn’t meant to be permanent. Yet here he was.

He walked between the towers of boxes to Ryu’s room. Ryu was sitting on his bed, doing something on his phone.

Noya knocked on the door frame and Ryu looked up. He smiled at Noya.

“Hey,” Ryu said. “You’re back.”

“I am,” Noya replied. “You need help carrying anything out?”

Ryu shrugged. “I think I’m all right. None of my stuff’s too heavy.”

Noya nodded. “Looks like we’re all just waiting, then, huh?”

“Yep,” Ryu murmured, turning his phone off and tossing it aside. He leaned back on his hands and lolled his head back, sighing. He looked at Noya again.

“How ya doing, Yuu?” he asked.

“Fine,” Noya said. “Good.”

“Good,” Ryu nodded.

“We’re actually leaving,” Noya said.

“I know, right?” Ryu grinned, sitting up. “It’s insane. I never thought we’d get out of here.”

“Me either.”

Neither of them said anything for a little while. Noya looked around the room. There were dents in the carpet from where all Ryu’s furniture used to be. He hadn’t moved any of it at all in the past few years, as far as Noya knew.

“Startin’ over,” Ryu said. “It’ll be nice.”

“It will.”

Saeko suddenly hollered from the font of the house that the van had arrived and they needed to get their asses out here. Noya and Ryu hurried over to help load everything up.

It took a surprisingly short amount of time to get everything out of the house. Noya personally only had a few boxes of stuff, mostly clothes. He helped Ryu with his furniture, keeping a careful eye. He hadn’t had a seizure in over a year now, but Noya couldn’t keep himself from worrying over it.

Ryu was fine, they were all fine, and before long all their stuff was ready to go. Noya was the last one to leave, and lingered in the doorway a little.

He could still remember, very vividly, the first night he’d spent here. He remembered almost every time he walked through this place.

Noya couldn’t wait to be somewhere where those memories were not.

He took one more deep breath.

The car horn honked outside. Noya smiled to himself as best he could.

“Yeah, yeah,” he breathed.

He closed his eyes on the old house. He would never see it again. That felt good.

“Coming,” he called over his shoulder.

He took his last step out of the house and closed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's over.
> 
> sorry it took so long.
> 
> We're on to more fun things next. I'll be starting work on the road trip story (500 Miles) very soon, and with luck this series will be over by the time I have to go back to school.
> 
> Thanks for your patience.


End file.
